Three Things I Wish I Had Known About FASD
Even though I knew FASD existed, there were some things I wish I had known so I had been better prepared to parent my children. In this article, I’m going to share three things I wish I had known about FASD.
I sat in the psychologist’s office with my husband and prospective adoptive children played with toys around us. Two psychologists and an interpreter filled us in on the children’s history.
“The mother drank alcohol when she was pregnant,’ was such a small statement quietly stated in the long list of their history that read like a tragedy.
The rest of that day, I didn’t think about the powerful statement. I had other things to deal with, a child who had told the psychologists he would feel better about the adoption if we bought him some more gifts, the fallout from his request was harsh, but that’s a story for another time.
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Three things you need to know (Or I wish I knew)
In How to Have Peace When Kids Are In Chaos, I have two chapters on FAS, one about trying to learn more information and one about treatment. I’m grateful that since I wrote those chapters (that were initially articles on my blog because I was trying to get answers) you can find information on FASD (LInk a few resources at the bottom). In the book I share asking my doctor about FAS, saying my son had it and the silence that followed (look up). When I said my son is adopted, he took a breath and explained some science-y things about it how the ammonia stays in the baby’s bloodstream and affects them. It was the first time I had someone feel comfortable explaining some of the effects of prenatal alcohol exposure even though the area I lived in had fifty percent of infants born addicted/exposed to drugs and alcohol prenatally.
Maybe you’re fostering kiddos or you recently found out your kiddos were exposed to alcohol in the womb. What should you know right off the bat? Or what should you tell other friends, family members, or church staff?
I’ve said this in many other articles and in my bio as well- I was an okay-ish parent, National Parent (and state) Parent of the Year. I didn’t feel worthy of those titles and after the adoption, I feared they would be revoked because to the outside world, I couldn’t parent well. I.E. I couldn’t make my kids behave. My family is chocked full of Capital Letter Syndromes (myself included), and FASD was just another set of letters to add to the Capital Letter Soup. Sometimes it was difficult to tell which syndrome was causing the issue and what to do about it. There wasn’t information in book form nor was it prevalent in podcasts, blogs, or the web in general when I was parenting. Now that it is, I thought I would start with some basics because it can be overwhelming to sort out.
FASD affects the brain, body, biology, behavior, and beliefs. We call these the “Five Bs.” If you’d like to learn more about them, you can sign up for our free Trauma-Informed Training HERE.
Alcohol-Related Birth Defects (ARBD):
People with ARBD might have problems with the heart, kidneys, or bones or with hearing. They might have a mix of these.
Physical defects may include:
- Distinctive facial features, including small eyes, an exceptionally thin upper lip, a short, upturned nose, and a smooth skin surface between the nose and upper lip
- Deformities of joints, limbs and fingers
- Slow physical growth before and after birth
- Vision difficulties or hearing problems
- Small head circumference and brain size
- Heart defects and problems with kidneys and bones
Brain and central nervous system problems
Problems with the brain and central nervous system may include:
- Poor coordination or balance
- Intellectual disability, learning disorders and delayed development
- Poor memory
- Trouble with attention and with processing information
- Difficulty with reasoning and problem-solving
- Difficulty identifying consequences of choices
- Poor judgment skills
- Jitteriness or hyperactivity
- Rapidly changing moods
A kiddo will not grow out of FASD. Just as a child on the spectrum becomes an adult on the spectrum, a child with FASD, becomes an adult with the same issues. One of the myths that people believe about Capital Letter Syndromes – she will grow out of it.
This is not true for most things (except clothes and shoes). When it comes to brain-based disability, there is currently no cure. That doesn’t mean there is no hope. It means we must look at the situation differently and proactively help our kiddos form coping mechanisms, habits, and interpret the world for them. It’s a great idea to help them find their strengths and focus on them instead of their weaknesses.
Your child can succeed. Be your child’s advocate, not their enemy. When your child has a diagnosis or you read his history in a file, it can be jolting, and overwhelming. It seems as if this child is always going to be ____ (fill in the blank).
When we think that way, we not only limit the potential of the child, we form a future for him from a negative perspective. I remember when my kiddos’ peers were acing SATS, and making college plans. A few of mine were struggling academically. It seemed as if their peers were leaving them in the dust and it hurt. It hurt me. It hurt them. The social divide grew and my kids were invited to social events less and less until it just stopped altogether.
I cried a lot. Tried to sort feelings and events. Tried to forgive those who didn’t understand and thought my parenting was the cause of my kids’ “failure.” Only it wasn’t a failure. It was the effects of FASD and other Capital Letter Syndromes. Difficulty with math concepts, logic, test taking, and comprehension. But those same kids were geniuses in other areas – anything mechanical –
I had to change my mindset, grieve the effects of FASD, and how it had robbed my kiddos. Then move on. Here’s an example, I have Celiac Disease, so I can’t have gluten, Period. It’s not my fault. It’s not something I will grow out of or need to take college classes to learn my way out. It is what it is. If I don’t eat gluten, I can live a healthy life.
That may be oversimplifying it, but when it comes to having a disease or Capital Letter Syndrome, we must find out what works for OUR children, not try to keep up with what their peers are doing. Not try to jump through cultural hoops to fit in. Or pressure our kids to “Measure UP.”
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Conclusion:
FASD is a life-altering Captial Letter Syndrome, but not a death sentence. Kiddos who have been exposed to alcohol prenatally often struggle with regulation issues. They can’t regulate, not won’t. They have impulsive behaviors and executive function issues. Many have many physical anomalies and spend much of their time suffering from these and going from doctor to doctor. (I wish pediatricians would do an ACES evaluation and if FASD is even a possibility, they would work their way through the list of possible physical ailments.) All of the issues, I mentioned are not who your child is. Those are things they suffer from. It’s our job as parents to help them find their strengths, gently lead them to coping mechanisms that work for them, and set them up for success – even if it doesn’t look like anyone else is doing the same thing.
To recap, here’s what we learned:
ONE. FASD affects the brain, body, biology, behavior, and beliefs.
TWO. A kiddo will not grow out of FASD. That doesn’t mean there is no hope. It means we must look at the situation differently and proactively help our kiddos form coping mechanisms, habits, and interpret the world for them.
THREE. Your child can succeed. Be your child’s advocate, not their enemy. When it comes to having a disease or Capital Letter Syndrome, we must find out what works for OUR children, not try to keep up with what their peers are doing.
free video training!
How do we connect more and correct less even when we are stressed? Grab this free short video training and find out! PS – you can apply these tips to yourself for a boost of self-care!