Self-Discipline, Self-Sabotage, Self-Sufficiency, Self-Control, and Raising Kids Who Have Experienced Trauma
What is Self-Discipline and What Is Actually Self-Sabotage?
I worked ten straight hours the other day. I even worked while I ate meals (one of the dangers of working from home). You may be thinking, wow, you have a lot of self-discipline.
Actually, it’s not discipline, it’s self-sabotage. Self-discipline would mean quitting at the appropriate time and not pushing myself – the result of which I felt for days afterwards.
Self-discipline and self-control go hand in hand.
Self-control says things like:
- I will only eat one donut.
- I will work out today even though I don’t want to.
- I will sit down and write for an hour.
- But self-control also partners with self-discipline and says:
- An hour of hiking is enough.
- Write for x number of hours with x number of breaks.
Sometimes self-control says slow down. You don’t have to do it all perfectly. And you don’t have to do it all today.
When self-discipline is self-sabotage
We live in a lake community. The first summer we lived here, I paddled my kayak around the whole lake at breakneck speed. I felt as if I had to paddle all the way around every time.
Hubby finally said, “You don’t have to go all the way around every time. Plus, you could just float some.” I wasn’t using self-discipline or self-control. I was self-sabotaging. And I wasn’t enjoying the lake, I was conquering it (which I still do sometimes just to work out frustrations).
What do self-discipline, self-sabotage, and self-control have to do with adoption/foster care and being trauma-informed?
I read a Facebook post the other day written by a new foster mama, who in effect said she was struggling with her weight (health). She rarely had time to stuff something in her mouth since she began fostering.
I get it. When our newbies came “home,” I ran on adrenaline for the first year. All the doctors appointments. Attachment. Making nutritious meals. Feeding a kiddo with no palate. Nighttime terrors. Schedules. All the things. Basically, I felt the need to do everything right. No. Scratch that. Perfectly.
The Third “Self” Sister: Self-Sufficiency
Enter another hyphenated “self” word – self-sufficiency. I felt as if everything rested on my shoulders.
I had to do it all.
Be it all.
Handle it all.
Perfectly.
Until I couldn’t.
Self-sufficiency and Health
Four years after the adoption was finalized, I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder. Actually, more than one. To be fair, I’m sure I already had these before the adoption, but stress brought them to the surface with a vengeance.
I’m not saying adoption/foster care causes immune system disorders. But what I will say- I’ve “counseled” and read about a lot of adoptive/foster mamas struggling with their health- mostly because of everything they must do and feel responsible for.
Self-sufficiency. Sounds like a good thing right? And it is to a point. The tipping point is what I talked about at the beginning of this article- when self-sufficiency, self-control, and self-discipline become self-sabotage. Read that sentence again and mentally highlight the word “self.”
Yes, we have to take personal responsibility for ourselves and our actions. What we don’t have to do is do everything perfectly or by ourselves. That’s my tipping point trigger, I get stuck -like I did that first year of parenting four new kiddos- doing it all myself. I had people comment on my self-discipline, including a newspaper reporter who came to interview me after the adoption. I cringe now at the words I said – so pious and full of “self.” I digress. What’s the solution to the “self” crisis?
Where’s the balance?
Self-sufficient in Christ’s sufficiency. I used to misquote Philippians 4: 13 often. I just paraphrase it to say that I could do all things. But on closer inspection, in context, Paul mentions in the verse before being content whether he has abundance or need. He also speaks of those who are concerned about him. Read the verses below from Philippians 4.
13 I can do all things [which He has called me to do] through Him who strengthens and empowers me [to fulfill His purpose—I am self-sufficient in Christ’s sufficiency; I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him who infuses me with inner strength and confident peace.] 14 Nevertheless, it was right of you to share [with me] in my difficulties.
Did you catch that? I am self-sufficient in Christ’s sufficiency. And, it was right for you to share [with me] in my difficulties.
We can’t do it alone. Our sufficiency isn’t enough. Our self isn’t complete without Christ. We must lean on, rely on, trust him to supply the strength we need. With that strength comes the knowing when we aren’t self-sufficient enough to handle it all perfectly. When we are weak, His strength is perfected. This sounds so easy. Or maybe like pretty theology. But what does it look like on a practical level? How do we live self-sufficient in Christ’s sufficiency when raising kiddos who have experienced trauma?
Pray. There are so many moments when raising kiddos that we just don’t know what to do. We’re not sure what the right response is. How serious (or not) the behavior is. If we should get a diagnosis or not. If a better schedule will help. How to take care of ourselves in the midst of raising these kiddos. And the list goes on. We could continue trying to do it on our own, or we could pray. Ask and keep asking. Philippians 4: 7 says:
make your [specific] requests known to God. And the peace of God [that peace which reassures the heart, that peace] which transcends all understanding, [that peace which] stands guard over your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus [is yours].
Self-control isn’t the only fruit of the Spirit.
Part of my student teaching was with a first grade teacher who seemed to me over-strict. I couldn’t understand her until she explained the weight of teaching the kids – I have to teach these kids to read! And it weighed heavily on her but the weight of responsibility robbed her of joy and peace. Kind of like me in my first year of parenting seven kiddos. I had to be self-sufficient (lie). I had to have self-control (to a point). I was responsible for everything (lie). I forgot about the other fruit -love, peace, joy, kindness, goodness, gentleness,faithfulness. Self-control is last. Not first. If I could go back in time and tell my young mama-self anything right now, it would be
- Enjoy the kids. Don’t just feed and clothe them.
- Things don’t have to be perfect.
- It’s okay to ask for help.
- It’s okay to leave the dishes in the sink overnight.
- Have ice cream in the middle of the afternoon.
- Rest when you need it, even if that means your house is messy.
- Find friends who support you and don’t spend time with the naysayers and blamers.
I will say after the flurry of the first year of doctor’s appointments, surgeries, and generally just keeping kids safe and alive plus attaching, I slowly began to enjoy my kiddos more instead of just caring for them. It was a huge perspective shift – from keeping everything as close to perfect as I could – self-sufficiency- I shifted to another word other than self – Others. Those others were my kiddos who needed me to watch their puppet plays, play with play doh and LEGOs, color, play in the creek, hike on the trail, rollerblade in the driveway, and other things that brought them joy.
Using Self-Discipline to Your Advantage
Using self-discipline and self-control to your advantage means feeding yourself spiritually and physically before the kids wake up. Or while they nap. It may mean hiring help if you have the means. Self-discipline doesn’t need to mean self-sabotage. Self-discipline can mean planning breaks -maybe coffee with a friend (eat a muffin as well). Gently Kayaking on the lake. Taking the kids outside and walking laps around the yard.
All of the self-words don’t have to be self-serving or self-sabotage. They can be self-care and others-care when brought under the sufficiency of Christ.
*Is your health suffering while you parent kids with a trauma history? You may be suffering from “Compassion Fatigue” > Read more about it here.
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