One Simple Practice to Help alleviate decision fatigue and give you more peace and power in your parenting
*This is the first in a series of articles – 5 Simple Practices To Help Alleviate Decision Fatigue And Give You More Peace And Power In Your Parenting
This practical tip series was inspired by some conversations with a listener, a friend, and with family. My daughters and husband encouraged me to share some of the practical systems and tips I use to manage my household- many of which my daughters use today. There are five tips in this series. It’s absolutely not an all-inclusive list. I find when I read/listen to series like this one, it helps me pick some tips that work for me and implement them. I hope you’ll do the same.
Create (and use) a schedule. Creating a schedule seems like a no-brainer especially when you have many time-sensitive responsibilities on your calendar. Raising kiddos with trauma histories and/or Capital Letter Syndromes makes this practice doubly important. For instance, if you know your kiddos need to get out the door for school, baseball, a therapy appointment, or fill-in-the-blank, you write it on your calendar.
We’ve all seen Rom Coms where the main character has a calendar full of sticky notes and adheres to a strict schedule. In order for her to find love and happiness, she needs to let her schedule go and do whatever she feels like doing. (I disagree, I think she would get the opposite outcome, you’ll see why in a second.)
a schedule is freeing
A schedule is freeing. It – as the headline promises – alleviates decision fatigue and gives you more peace and power in your parenting. What? How can a schedule do that?
Before I answer, let me walk you through a few scenarios (both of which are based one hundred percent on my personal experience – no shame or judgment here).
Actually, I’ll start with a question – If you need to get out the door with seven kids (this is my life we’re talking about) do you know exactly what needs to be accomplished in order for that to happen?
One more question – Do your kids know exactly what needs to be accomplished for you to get out the door? Okay. Now that I’ve got you thinking, I’ll walk you through two scenarios.
Scenario One. Your seven kiddos have a 7:30 am doctor’s appointment (because your family doctor understands trauma responses and he graciously agrees to see them before the waiting room fills up).
You write 7:00 am on the calendar or on an app because you want to leave at that time in order to make it on time. Great job! 6:00 that morning you wake the kids thinking you have plenty of time to do what needs to be done in order to get out the door on time. You assume your kiddos do too. At 6:30, 7 kiddos are still in their PJs. Two boys are wrestling. Two girls are talking about what they are going to wear, but they haven’t made it off their beds yet. You’re dressing the baby when you hear the TV click on. We still have half an hour, you tell yourself.
Fifteen minutes later, the oldest has fallen back asleep. The others are playing, eating cereal, and generally walking around in a time-blind stupor.
This is when you lose it (raise your hand if this has ever happened to you -raising mine). “We have to be in the Suburban in 15 minutes and none of you are ready!” Then you point to the giant whiteboard and say, “See it says right here -Doctor’s Appointment.” The three nonreaders stare at the whiteboard blankly. For the next 15 minutes, it’s total chaos. You’re chasing kids around, wrestling clothes onto them, and yelling a play-by-play on the time left before departure. You arrive at the doctor’s appointment frazzled and ten minutes late. The kids are grumpy and not to mention, in meltdown mode because you forgot about their fear of doctors, white lab coats, and anything medical. So you didn’t talk them through what to expect. It’s not that you don’t care. It’s a number of things – misconceptions, mistaken goals, and assumptions all mixed together.
- Misconceptions- Your kids know the importance of getting ready on time. Your kiddos understand the concept of time.
- Mistaken goal- Getting out the door on time is the only goal.
- Assumption – Your kiddos know exactly what needs to be done to get out the door. They can tell time. They will act like adults when they see “doctor’s appointment” written on the whiteboard. The kiddos will automatically know which steps are needed in order to get out of the door in a timely and orderly fashion.
Scenario Two. You write the appointment on your calendar or app. You have also written down the exact steps needed to get you out the door on time.
- Wake the kiddos at 6:00 am
- Have kid’s clothes laid out
- Supervise kiddos getting dressed
- Go downstairs (or wherever your kitchen is) together
- Have a simple breakfast planned and ready
- Sit down and eat together
- Put dishes in the dishwasher
- Have shoes and jackets ready (check these the night before)
Before I go any further, I’m going to sidestep and talk about a few practices that make your list of things to do on a daily basis, including when you need to get out the door, easier- Practice outside the moment and create word or picture cards for tasks for your kiddos. In order for your schedule to work well-ish, your kids need to know what needs to be done and how to do it. That’s what practicing outside the moment is.
How Do You Do a Training Session?
Gather all the kiddos. Give simple instructions, and remember that training sessions can be short.
The first session I implemented focused on the kids obeying simple commands like “Come.” Because we were still working on English, I said it in Polish. If the child immediately walked across the room to me, I thanked him and said, “Good job.”
Then I moved to calling a child when he was in another room. If he came right away, I repeated the praise. If he didn’t, I went to him and told him to come. Then I required him to go back to where he came from, and I called again.
“Come the first time I call you.” I repeated this as many times as it took for the child to come the first time. I did not yell, cajole, whine, cry, or complain. I expected.
After the kids got the hang of coming, I instituted the “Guire Report,” an idea I gleaned from the book, Cheaper by the Dozen. I would simply stand in the kitchen and call out “Guires, report!” All of the children were expected to come down and line up and wait for instruction. Of course, some of the younger ones required assistance, but the older ones always helped. In a large family, this is such an important skill to have.
Some people think this sounds too militant, but it works so much better than yelling, running up and down the stairs searching for someone, or taking half an hour to round everyone up just to get out the door. Believe me — I tried. Before instituting the Guire Report, it was exhausting and nerve-racking to convince everyone to stop whatever activity they were doing and come. – How To Have Peace When Your Kids Are In Chaos
grab your free chapter
Why Traditional Parenting Doesn’t Work (And What Does Work)
My kiddos practiced outside the moment for getting dressed, folding PJs, making the bed, etc… all while I timed them and made it a game- not when we were heading out the door. So in scenario number two, you have already practiced all the steps needed to get out the door on time. Now you’re doing what needs to be done together.
Note: Practicing outside the moment needs to take place in a non-time-sensitive environment and be fun. You’ll always have at least one curmudgeon, that’s okay, do it anyway.
- You’re building a habit
- You’re teaching important life skills
- You’re alleviating some of the “assumption thinking”
- You’re alleviating decision fatigue and you’ll have more peace and power in your parenting.
Cards. I created task cards for my kiddos with text for older kiddos and pictures for non-readers. The cards contain simple instructions:
- Get dressed
- Make bed
- Brush teeth
- Wash face
Using task cards with words or pictures helps kiddos with executive function struggles and Swiss cheese memories know exactly what they are supposed to do.
Two things. If you think all of the above is too much work, consider the alternative – living scenario one on a repeating loop. If you think practicing outside the moment or scheduling is too restrictive, let me ask you – did you get job training or do you use a scheduling app for anything? Have you read/listened to a book or podcast about time management? I’m reading Redeeming Your Time by Jordan Raynor right now. I also recommend Essentialism. In this day and age, everyone needs time management systems and practices. Why not use them at home?
You’re teaching your kiddo to manage time which is a skill/habit which will serve them for the rest of their lives. Plus instead of being a reactionary parent, you’re being proactive. You’re managing your home and earning more peace.
A few warnings to finish up:
- If you’ve never practiced outside the moment, your kiddos will balk. Do it anyway. Make it fun. Reward them. They will eventually get used to it and enjoy the time spent with you.
- A schedule is a tool that you use. It works for you. You don’t work for it. Be flexible. For instance, if you homeschool and the schedule says math @ 9:00 am and your kiddo needs a break – take a break.
Finally, we aren’t aiming for perfection. That’s not the goal. We are aiming for more peace and connection in our homes.
Ps
I’m creating a Trauma-Informed Parent Planner for you! If you join my email list, I’ll be sending out bits of it to you for FREE before I offer it to the public.
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How do we connect more and correct less even when we are stressed? Grab this free short video training and find out! PS – you can apply these tips to yourself for a boost of self-care!