One Practice to Eliminate Decision Fatigue and Have More Peace And Power In Your Parenting Part 2
*This is the second in a series of articles – 5 Simple Practices To Help Alleviate Decision Fatigue And Give You More Peace And Power In Your Parenting. If you missed the first article/podcast – you can find it here.
major stressor
One of the major stressors when raising kiddos with Capital Letter Syndromes/trauma histories is getting food on the table. When you’re going through a period of adjustment to kiddos coming “home” or a season of medical issues, jumping through hoops to get a diagnosis, or your kiddo is stuck in a cycle of regression, getting food on the table is overwhelming, and often on the list. (If you’d like to learn about freezer cooking with podcast guest Megan, click here)
When my four newbies first came “home,” they were on the orphanage schedule, which helped me when it came to meal times. In Poland, they had eaten at a table in a cafeteria-style setting, three times a day. Not only that, but the kiddos in the orphanage cleared their own dishes, returning them to the appropriate bin.
I say this because I know some kiddos who come to us through adoption/foster care have never sat at a table and eaten a meal. Through my many years of “coaching/counseling” I’ve seen children balk at the idea of sitting at a table to eat. I’ve also seen kiddos who hoard food (in my own family as well) for fear of not having enough to eat. Kiddos who have experienced food scarcity will treat food differently than those who don’t. There’s also the kiddo who doesn’t recognize his own need for food/water and won’t ever ask for food. Another common problem for kiddos with FASD is their craving for sugar supersedes their “hunger” for nutritious food. So they will gravitate towards sugary drinks and snacks and give us the “not really hungry” reason for not eating meals. Then their glucose levels plummet, causing irritability and possibly meltdowns.
“Eating sugar also affects how we act and feel each day. If you’ve ever tried to give up sugar, you know that during the first few days you are feeling cranky and miserable, almost like a drug addict without his or her drug of choice. Sugar consumption causes a hormonal roller coaster of alternating high levels of insulin and blood sugar. These hormonal shifts can dramatically affect your attitude and your ability to concentrate during the day.“
Isabelle Price
These kiddos need to eat regular, nutritious meals that supply the protein, fats, and carbs they need. If you want to learn more about what they need to eat, listen to this episode – Nutrition Basics With Amber Stewart.
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Why Traditional Parenting Doesn’t Work (And What Does Work)
This practical tip to help eliminate decision fatigue and give you more peace and power in your parenting is actually two-pronged. First of all, in our culture, we seem to eat on the run – a lot. When we do this, going through a drive-through before soccer practice or skipping sitting down at the table for meals, it affects us physically, mentally, and emotionally. That’s why my first point is so important!
Eat regular meals at the table together.
To some, this seems outdated advice. It’s actually more important than we used to think. Eating meals together at the table provides a time to attach with your children. Attachment grows the brain. Screen time on a device while eating a burger and fries alone while adults do other things doesn’t grow the brain.
Research suggests that having dinner together as a family at least four times a week has positive effects on child development. Family dinners have been linked to a lower risk of obesity, substance abuse, eating disorders, and an increased chance of graduating from high school.
https://sfyl.ifas.ufl.edu/
One of our dinner-time practices is a conversation starter. It’s fun and simple to do. Some of our favorite starters:
- My favorite thing that happened to me today was…. (nonfiction edition)
- My favorite thing that happened to me today was... (fiction – stories about dragons were common)
As the kid reached their teen years, we changed to a topic of conversation – this can be anything from books people are reading, history, movies, music, politics, and more. Just be aware that teens may have questions, and differing opinions, and may want to argue. While we don’t want a knockdown drag out at the dinner table, we do want our teens to feel as if they can discuss things with us and walk away feeling unconditionally loved.
two funny examples
One night at the dinner table, we were discussing books. My second eldest Amerey was reading A Tree Grows in Brooklyn. and she was sharing what she loved about it. My youngest (7 years younger) added in his “favorite part” which surprised us all, because not only was he only in the beginning stages of reading, he definitely wasn’t old enough to read that book. Turns out, he had listened to part of the audiobook while Amerey had it on in her room. Just a note – your kids are always listening and they love to be part of the conversation.
My second example happened at a family cookout. We had invited a few friends to join us. Hubby Jerry was seated poolside talking to my son-in-law and his friend. They started a conversation about politics which quickly led to a discussion. My son-in-law’s friend said, “Wait, are we allowed to do this here?” What he meant was to discuss opposing opinions and ideas. The answer was “Yes, as long as it doesn’t get out of hand.” The point is if you want to connect with your family, you’re not going to always agree. Be okay with it.
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Why Traditional Parenting Doesn’t Work (And What Does Work)
Create a repeating menu plan.
By now you may be saying, “Kathleen, cooking all those meals just takes too much time!” Honestly, I get it. It does. But what you can do is reduce your decision fatigue by planning your meals out in advance and repeating your menu. For example, my family’s busiest day used to be Friday. We had some school work and family chores (cleaning up from the week) in the morning, then homeschool co-op classes during the day, followed by a book club. For the school year, our repeating meal for Fridays was potato soup in the crockpot. I chopped potatoes and browned sausage in the morning and set it up to slowly cook all day long. My kids looked forward to eating potato soup on Fridays. Plus it took the “What are we going to have for dinner, I guess we’ll go through a drive-through” option off the table.
For the rest of the week, it makes sense to have a repeating menu that can change seasonally. For example, in the winter, a few family favorites are chicken pot pie and chili. Both of these we make from scratch and we’ve made them so many times we have jobs for each one. My daughter Ania always sliced the cold butter to make the biscuit topping for the chicken pot pie. As far as the chili goes, we have our own version of cornbread to accompany it. We add creamed corn and sour cream to make it more moist.
When meals are repeated, and recipes used on a seasonal basis, you’re building traditions and kicking decision fatigue to the curb. Your kiddos look forward to their favorite meal and with repeated sessions in the kitchen they can learn how to make them.
One of spring/summer favorites is two different forms of chicken salad. One version requires canned chicken, mayo, and some other ingredients (including some walnuts for those that care for them). One week, I’d forgotten to purchase the rolls we serve it on. I pulled out a bag of Tostitos scoops. Eating chicken salad with scoops is a tradition that has stuck for over a decade. The second version is grilled chicken, strawberries, pecans or walnuts, and raspberry vinaigrette on a bed of spinach. Both of these simple meals all of my kids could whip together quickly without reading a recipe.
Plan all meals including snacks
You may be thinking at this point, that’s a little over the top, Kathleen. I used to think so as well until my kiddos advanced past the toddler years and we started getting involved in activities outside the home. Then I began homeschooling and the dreaded – “I need a snack” was a constant throughout the day followed by the four o’clock what am I making for dinner? So I began planning all snacks and meals to alleviate decision fatigue and last-minute-drive-throughs (not that I don’t ever do those). The purpose of planning ahead is not perfection. It’s not a legalistic system you need to adhere to followed by guilt or shame if you don’t.
Another one of the reasons I planned ahead – to have more peace in my home. You can accomplish that by making sure your kids are eating nutrient-dense foods at regular intervals throughout the day. This is especially important for kiddos who have difficulty recognizing their body’s signals for food/water. When they ignore these signals, their blood sugar plummets (see quote above) and they walk around slightly dehydrated. This leads to kiddos who can’t regulate or stretch positive mood states for any length of time. To quote a common word for this -they are hangry. They just don’t know it. When you are a proactive parent and plan meals and snacks, you can reduce the severity and frequency of the hangry status and have more peace in your home.
the snack basket
I’ve spoken about the snack basket on the podcast before. Some listeners have asked me to expound on it. Having a snack basket is super easy to implement. I still have one and my grandkids understand the concept, they ask, “Nini, can I get a snack?” They know exactly where it is, and what they can eat.
I’m getting ahead of myself. First grab a basket, cloth, or woven, depending on your style and preference. I use a Longerberger basket- it’s super old but durable. Purchase snacks – protein bars, apples, pouches, trail mix, single-serve bags of chips, etc… put all of these in the basket. When your kids are old enough, you can take them shopping and have them pick out the snacks (with some guidelines).
One of the questions asked was – Do you allow your kiddos unlimited access the basket? It depends. Let me explain a few different scenarios.
Unlimited Access.
If you bring a child into your home through foster/adoption who has experienced food insecurity, you will use the snack basket differently for a season- not forever. If your kiddo is hoarding food, i.e. stuffing food in his pocket “for later” at dinner time, then you know he is suffering from food insecurity. If he stuffs himself to the point of sickness (vomiting at the table – true story), then he is suffering from food insecurity. If these or any other form of fear of lack of food, allow your kiddo unlimited access to the basket. One of the things I had to do is show my newbies (many times) the food in the pantry and the fridge so they knew we had more. It made them feel more secure. They were allowed to get a snack at any time which at first was often. After a season, they needed them less often. Then I instituted the practice of snack times.
Snack times.
The second scenario is a child without food insecurity (or one who has become more secure). Snack time at our house was generally about 10 am, 3 pm, and then before bed because we ate an early dinner. Exceptions to this – are weekends, holidays, and summer. Although we practice using the snack basket during the summer, the times could be laxer and depended on older kids to count their snacks for the day, especially if they had swim practice, play practice, or other events which meant they needed to pack their snacks and take them with them. When my youngest daughter was in high school, she attended an all-nighter with her friend’s youth group that included swimming, bowling, a movie, and activities to keep teens busy all night. Her friends were flabbergasted when she pulled various items out of her bag – drinks, snacks, sweats, etc… She was equally amazed that they didn’t bring these things. In her mind, this is how we do it in my family. Why wouldn’t I bring what I need? That’s a huge win for teaching your kids the snack basket principle added to using a plan and schedule (which I talked about here).
how to have peace
WHEN YOUR KIDS ARE IN CHAOS free guide
conclusion
While I didn’t give you a meal plan or recipes, I think the principle in practice is more important than what your family is going to eat. Eating together as a family is more important than whether you have pancakes for dinner or take out when everything else seems to be falling apart. Try a topic of conversation. Like Dr. Jerrod Brown says in one podcast episode – if eating together as a family is new to you, try once a week to start. Also, use some of my conversation starters!
Making sure your kiddos eat and drink at regularly scheduled intervals is one benefit of planning your meals and snacks. Balanced blood sugar is another. Try the snack basket and apply whatever scenario works for your family!