Diane Tarantini -Top Three Child-Safety Tips
Hi, Kathleen Guire here. Welcome to Trauma-Informed Parenting. Today I have a special guest, Diane Tarantini, who’s been my friend for a long time. We actually met in a Pilates class. Isn’t that true?
Okay, I knew I was missing a word there. We both ended up volunteering, I should say for the same organization. And we have a lot in common because of that. But I’m going to let Diane introduce herself and tell you a little bit about herself.
My name is Diane Tarantini. I’m originally from Huntington, West Virginia, and I now live in Morgantown, West Virginia. I’m a blogger, a children’s book author, a newspaper and magazine writer, and a body safety educator. I’m also a wife and mother of three excellent humans who are grand and flame. That’s me.
I love your little intro. That is so great. Now, Diane did say that she wrote a book, but she’s going to talk about more than just the book she wrote, which is called The Brave Night. And I love that book. It’s amazing. I think you should buy a copy. I’ll just put that little commercial in there. So tell us about your journey to becoming a child safety educator and professional.
So a lot of times when I’m standing in front of people or talking to them on a podcast, I lead off by saying ever since the fourth grade, I’ve known two things. One, I did counseling, and two, I write a book. Why? Because I’m a survivor of CSA, which stands for Child Sexual Abuse. I got the counseling. Yay me. It wasn’t until I was 35 years old, which I thought was super old, but a recent statistic came out that said the average age at which a survivor discloses I don’t know if you know this, Kathleen is 52 years old. I did not know that, but I would have guessed that because I feel like we, especially our generation, were told not to tell anything about anything ever. So after I got my counseling, after my children pretty much were grown and flown, I decided I wanted to be part of the solution. So I did contact the founder and executive director at the time of Shield Task Force and said three things I am a survivor of sexual abuse, I love kids, and I am very comfortable in large group settings because I taught at a megachurch. I taught Sunday school, and I would be in front of 100 kids, no problem. And so they added me to their speaker’s bureau. And that’s how I got started with that. And then I’ve got a ton of articles on my blog, which we can talk about later on the topic of child safety. And I’ve got a couple of manuscripts and now one published book also on the topic.
That’s amazing. And yes, we both volunteered for Shield and went into the school system, and we would do workshops on preventing child abuse and kind of Diane’s part of that is prevention. My part is, oh, my gosh, it’s already happened. Now what do you do next? So that’s how we kind of fit together. So why is this topic that we’re talking about child safety and body awareness and all of those things, why is this relevant for parents?
Okay, great question. I’m always surprised that people don’t know some of these statistics, but I guess it’s just because I work in the field and I hear them every day. But in case your audience doesn’t know, statistics say that one in ten kids in America will be sexually abused by the time they’re 18. And that teases out to about one in four girls and one in six boys. But it’s actually a conservative number because only about 38% of victims will ever disclose their experience. Wow. Public schools are mandated in most states to provide body safety assemblies to their students to help them both recognize and disclose abuse if it’s happening. However, I believe parents should be every bit as committed to protecting their kids from harm, sexual and otherwise. That’s why I feel it’s important to every parent everywhere.
Well, I agree, because I think it’s ultimately the parent’s responsibility to protect their child, to educate their child, to ensure that the child knows what to do, how to report things or tell. I mean, obviously, a child’s not going to say, I want to report something to you, Mom, but they need to feel comfortable about these topics in order to be able to talk to mom and dad, which means it needs to be spoken about at home. I agree wholeheartedly. So important. All right, then what are three things that you think parents need to know?
Okay, it’s perfect timing because I just finished creating a document that I’m going to be sending to people who subscribe to my monthly email newsletter. And the document is titled 20 Plus Tips to Keep Kids Safe. I tried to put them in the order that I felt was most important. So I’m going to talk about the top three. I’m going to give you the top three. And recently, I even kind of asked some of my friends who are survivors, like, what do you think is the most important thing that parents could be doing? And these top three, it’s not just child safety experts at conferences that are saying it. It’s also survivors.
So the number one thing that people are stressing in the industry is to have talks about body safety and really everything with your child on a regular basis. And in terms of body safety, you could start out with that birds and the bees talk, and I actually have a blog post about that. And from there, you go onto the bathing suit rule, which we taught at Shield, which is a fantastic easy thing to teach your kids. No one should look at or touch your body parts that are covered by your bathing suit. It’s just a really easy thing that even a young child could understand the birds and bees. These things should never be a one-and-done conversation. It should be an ongoing conversation. One of the websites that I quote said, children learn through repetition. How many times do you tell your kids, to look both ways before you cross the street? Right. You don’t tell them once and never again. Exactly. Right. You keep repeating it through childhood. So you’re always having conversations about where babies come from, about your child’s hopes and dreams, about what scares them, about who their friends are, how they’re doing in school. Just always be interested and concerned and willing to listen to your kids. Which brings me to item number two.
It’s listen to your kids. Listen to your kids. And this may be slightly disconcerting. I recently came across a quote by a pedophile saying how he gained access to kids. Oh, my goodness.
I abused so many innocent children simply because I was willing to listen. If parents can provide the same sounding board that I offered, then the children would have no possible need for the magic I sell.
Wow. So there’s a lot of talk, and it’s super important. And I agree 100%. People want to be seen. They want to be heard. Right. They want to know they’re valued, that they have worth. And I think the most important place that a child can experience these things is at home. Exactly. If they do not experience at home, they will look for it elsewhere. Exactly. And it could be that person with a bad agenda. It could be just a really not okay friend when they are a little older. It can be a bad narcissistic date that wants to isolate them from family and friends. So you want to be their main source of love and validation. And you can do that by just listening to them with everything 100% of your attention. So that’s number two. Okay.
The third thing is teach your kids the correct name for their body parts. This is important for a couple of reasons. If a child knows the correct anatomical words for their body parts, it tells a potential predator a couple of things. Someone taught this child this language. Someone is having conversations about these things. This might not be a good target for me. Right. And the thing is, children, do not have any connection or bias to using the correct terms or not. They have none. It’s so true. And so using those terms is a good way to start instead of and I know we learned through Shield, hearing some of those stories where people would call the thing cookie or muffin. And that’s terrible because how do you decipher that? Yeah. When you take a forensic interview and a child is calling their genitals or cookie. It really muddies the water. Right? It becomes quite unclear. Right. So also, speaking of forensic interviews, if your child knows the anatomical language for their bathing suit body parts, then if they’re talking to a physician or a law enforcement officer about what happened to them, they can be very clear. Right? There is no guessing what this child is talking about because they know the language. I just saw today, this morning, a video that says the ideal. Your child should know the anatomically correct body part names by the time they’re three, but it can happen earlier.
Right. And I have a story about that one. This happened at my house, and I was having a coffee, and I had a bunch of friends over, and my granddaughter was there, and she was three years old, and they had just started training her and teaching her about the body parts. She sat down next to a kindergarten teacher and looked over at her and said, hey, you can’t touch my labia. I know. And the teacher just went along with it. She’s like, okay. But yeah, it shouldn’t What makes us uncomfortable does not make our children uncomfortable.
Right. If you just are doing it from a very early age, when you’re bathing a child, when you’re dressing a child, when you’re changing their diaper, you just talk about the body part. Right, correctly. And then there’s none of this Kooky Quirky giving body parts people’s names or food objects or whatever, those are my top three. Like, always have open communication with your child. Listen to them deeply, frequently, and those proper anatomical names for their body parts, all of them. Right?
And I love the listen, that’s investment parenting, because one of the things we see in our culture, we see it on TV, we see it on shows, and it’s like these little snippets of the parents just saying, okay, get your lunch before you go out the door. See you later, honey bye. And that’s all, you know what I mean? And that’s supposed to be great parenting because you got them to school, you got them their lunch, you picked them up later, you took them to the sports. But where is the connection? Who are they connecting with? They need to be connecting with you.
I remember in the very early age days of cell phones, I remember being at an ice cream shop opening, and they had a big bounce house, and there was, like, a two-year-old in the bounce house, and this two-year-old mom was sitting at a picnic table just scrolling her phone. Wow. Yeah. And I was concerned for- not emotional connection. I was concerned for physical safety.
Right. But you do see that so often now, are people not connecting, not listening to one another because they’re on the phone.
Yeah. That is a biggie it’s like, I’m totally guilty of that upon occasion, but I would say to try hard. If your kids are little, try hard to connect with them.
Right. Or if your teen is sitting across the table from you and won’t talk to you, then you text them. I’ve done that so many times. Just like, put your phone down and look at me. Yes. So if you had one piece of advice for parents, what would it be?
Okay, so I mentioned it a little bit, but I recently attended the virtual conference for Darkness to Light, which is a major child safety organization. Their goal is to end child abuse, and they do it through adult education. Teach the parents to protect the kids, don’t teach the kids to protect themselves. Right. I’m on their virtual conference, and I would say the most mentioned tip was for parents to always be talking and listening to their kids. And again, I did mention this in my Birds and Bees blog post. But here’s the thing. Here’s why you need to do it. Regular conversation between any two individuals leads to relational intimacy. Right. When you’re having regular conversations of a deep nature with your child, you become a safe person to your child. And this is the one feeling you want to foster in your child. You want that child to know if anything makes them afraid, sad, mad, nervous, or anxious that you’re their go-to person. Right. So it’s listening, listen and talk all the time with your child. With your children.
Right. And I would add to that because I think that’s extremely important. If you are bringing a child into your home through foster care or adoption and they already have a trauma history, then you’re going to have to work on this harder than anybody, because they are probably already in survival mode. And if they have any capital letter syndromes, including FASD, which is Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder, their cause-and-effect thinking is not there. So what you consider logical thinking may not be there. So replace that cause-and-effect thinking with habits, you have to start by talking to them and teaching them that you are a safe haven. And what we want for those kiddos is what’s called earned secure attachment. We want them to get to that. And that’s what Diane just described perfectly. That is secure attachment is knowing that your parent is a safe haven for you. You can go back to them. They’re going to listen to you. They’re going to be there for you. I’m just saying that if you are fostering kids or you brought kids home through adoption, you are going to have to work harder than other parents do with this skill.
Yes. One thing I would add is, and this would go with birth kids or foster kids, always make sure your child knows that they will never get in trouble for telling the truth. Yes. So if a friend made them do something that they now regret, we’ll deal with it. We will deal with it. Thank you for telling me the truth. Right. We will move forward, and thank you for confiding in me. I want your kids to tell you that even if they did a bad thing, they can come to you, and you will help them deal with a situation or whatever it is. Right. And especially if it involves an adult, because often kids feel like everybody is in a position of authority over them if they’re an adult. But I will say they’re not to me, it was to my kids. Those people may be adults, but they’re not in a position of authority that you can’t talk about or tell me about, and it might even lead to some complaining. Well, Coach so and so won’t let me. Well, that’s okay. Let them talk about it. We talk about our frustrations to our friends and to our spouses, and this happened to me today. Let them talk about that. Keep the lines of communication open and let them know, even if it’s an adult, you’re allowed to tell me what went on.
Yes, absolutely. Yes. That’s in my tip sheets, too. Teach them to feel confident in saying no, even if it’s to an adult. Right?
Yeah. Great counsel. So anything additional you would like to tell the audience?
I am going to tell the audience about something that I’m super excited about, and that has to do with child safety. I mentioned when I introduced myself that I’m a children’s book author. I never thought I’d written lots of stuff, but I never thought I’d write a children’s book. But the nonprofit executive director of Shield Task Force, right before the pandemic began, asked me to write a children’s book to teach kids in a nonthreatening way, what grooming is. In case anybody doesn’t know what grooming is, it’s the process by which a sexual predator gains the trust of a child and sometimes their family. And that’s what led to me writing my first book, The Brave Knight. Now, without using any scary language or sexual language, the story shows kids what kind of things a potential bad actor might say or do when they’re trying to manipulate their target to get them exactly where they want them then. So it’s a great story. It’s a great story. But at the back of the book, there are discussion, questions, extension activities, and resources that continue the conversation. And they’re great for parents, and they’re great for educators or anyone who works with kids. I believe if you read The Brave Knight with your kids once a year, it will remind them of the language and the behavior to be on the lookout for, and both the story and the resources educate the child. That the best possible thing you can do. If something makes you nervous, anxious, or depressed, is tell a safe adult. Yes. It’s been the best professional thing I’ve ever done in my life, is writing this book.
And I would add, as a reader and parent and grandparent, you can read this book to a three-year-old without going over all of the notes. So it’s something that you every year when you read it, you’re going to get a little bit more in-depth with what it means. Yes. So the older they get, the more the conversation becomes about grooming and predators and using those words. But when they’re younger, you can simply just read them the story. And it’s beautiful and it’s well written and the artwork is gorgeous. So it’s just a great resource. I don’t have my copy right now because one of my daughters borrowed it, so it kind of passes around my family. And it is a great resource and a beautifully written book. Yeah, I love it. So where can people find you?
Okay, I try to be almost of all the places, concentrating on one thing. I do enjoy social media, though. I get around. But the first thing I want to say is where you can get the book. So the book is available on Amazon, in print, ebook. Recently in December, we just created an audiobook. Yeah, that’s pretty exciting. My friend who does book narration, it’s his 12th book, and it was Eric Fritzius. He was a delight. He does great voices. So he does the knight. And the dragon. And we have a guest person that does the young girl in the story. But you can also buy copies from me directly. And my book that I had printed with a special print shop has better paper, and a better printing process, and the copies are all signed by me and the illustrator. Yay. If you want to read about child safety, you could go to my website, which is Diane Tarantini.com. You can find me on Facebook at Diane Tarantini. Comma author I’m on Instagram, @writingdianet. I’m on Pinterest. Newly on Pinterest. Diane Tarantini, author. I’m on LinkedIn. If anybody’s on LinkedIn, like the professional people, and I would take anybody’s email at diane@dianetrantini.com. And please know if you sign up for my email newsletter and you can do that in the sidebar on my website, you’ll get more than 20 tips that help you keep your kids safe.
things that you just said and you’re kind of answering the last question I had was, what resources do you have to offer? So you do have some resources on your website now?
Yeah, read every single blog post I ever wrote on the topic. I polled survivors I talked to. I’ll tell you guys a Secret Squirrel Secret right now. It’s in my tip sheet. But Nicole Bromley is a really well-known survivor and activist, and she speaks to K through college on the topic of sexual abuse. One of her top tips was no sleepovers. Yeah, I love that one. You’re drawing a line in the sand. I totally get where she’s going with that, but, yeah, my tip sheets are super rich. Or this particular one is like, it’s the most complete resource I’ve ever made. But you could literally go and read every single blog post and get a lot of this information from there. I think they’re really helpful.
I do too. And I just want to thank you, Diane, for being on the show today.
Oh, I’m so thankful for the opportunity. I always enjoy having conversation with you and equipping your audience.