The Habit Of Celebration And Ten Tips For Hosting Your Own Family Holiday Events
“Make sure that the good ground of you home includes an abundance of laughter, parties, celebrations, presents, candles, Christmas trees, gifts, surprises, rocky road ice cream, jokes, backyard picnics, vacations, mountain bikes, bike rides, swimming, fishing and games.”
Seven Habits of a Healthy Home
The Habit of Celebration is a term I learned years ago when a guest Bill Carmichael shared at our church. It wasn’t the fact that I wasn’t practicing the habit of celebration- celebrating birthdays and holidays and such, it was the fact that I could choose when and how to celebrate. I’m grateful that I heard him speak pre-adoption so I could begin to implement the habit of celebration in a new way as my family changed and grew.
Celebrating with kiddos with trauma histories and neurodiversity
Before I get into the meat of this topic, I want to remind you that I’m a neurodivergent Mama (and NiNi) to kiddos and grandkiddos with trauma histories and/or neurodiversity. When it comes to loud, overwhelming celebrations, the two mix like oil and water.
Celebration is a choice. If our family had waited until all the circumstances were perfect before we celebrated life, we never would.
Ecclesiastes 11:4 (Amplified Bible)
4He who observes the wind [and waits for all conditions to be favorable] will not sow, and he who regards the clouds will not reap.
This scripture puts it plainly. If I wait for conditions to be favorable, or for everything to be perfect, then I will never sow, nor will I reap. If I want to reap a harvest of memories with my children, then I must sow the habit of celebration over and over again. I never know which memories will stick. Every once in a while, my children will speak of a bad memory from their past, but more often than not, they share good family memories.
“Remember when we went hiking at Coopers Rock?” “Remember when we made cards at my birthday party?” “Remember when we rollerbladed up and down the boardwalk at the beach?” Each one of these memories was probably preceded by unfavorable conditions.
Holiday RESOURCE
Ten Tips For Navigating Holiday Gatherings
Would you like a reduced-stress holiday season while parenting kiddos with a trauma history/neurodiversity?
Is attending holiday gatherings sensory overload for your kiddos but you still want to attend?
Then grab these ten tips for navigating holiday gatherings and have a reduced-stress holiday!
When raising kiddos with trauma histories/neurodiversities it is easy to get caught up in meeting immediate physical needs
In her article “Hopes and Prayers”, Joyce Maynard describes what happens to many of us.
“We’re so consumed with the feeding, the dressing, the buckling into our car seats, the finding of bathrooms, and the counting of heads,” she says, “that we sometimes forget that there is any greater mission to raising children than making sure the crusts are cut off the sandwiches and that everybody gets a balloon.”
When raising kiddos with trauma histories/neurodiversities, this is especially dangerous. It is easy to get stuck in the rut of feeding and clothing children and trying to deal with each phobia or medical issues, reading articles on attachment, talking to other parents about what to do, etc… It becomes exhausting and overwhelming. All the joy is sucked out of life when there is no celebration.
Infusing the Habit of Celebration Into Everyday Life
Celebration can be simple. As a child, one of my favorite places to go was my Aunt Margie’s house. She was a mother of twelve, a nurse, and lived life to the fullest. In her kitchen, two picnic tables end to end lined the wall.
There were always a myriad of crafts to do at the table and there was always something cooking on the stove. I could get a bowl of whatever was cooking anytime I wanted. That made me feel special and powerful. Aunt Margie would sit at the table with us kids gluing plastic eyes on egg carton caterpillars and telling me what a great job I was doing. One thing I learned from Aunt Margie was to take the time for everyone to feel special.
Holiday RESOURCE
Ten Tips For Navigating Holiday Gatherings
Would you like a reduced-stress holiday season while parenting kiddos with a trauma history/neurodiversity?
Is attending holiday gatherings sensory overload for your kiddos but you still want to attend?
Then grab these ten tips for navigating holiday gatherings and have a reduced-stress holiday!
family meal times
Family Meal times are often a rushed event in today’s day and age. At the dinner table, the physical need is met with food, then the emotional need is met with conversation. The conversation allows the family to connect. When you’re working on the habit of celebration, try slowing down and adding a dinner question or topic of conversation.
Nurturing through food is not just about calories. It can be about making dinner fun and eating meals together. Preparing food, enjoying it, and even cleaning up after the feast are all part of the rituals of most families. Whether we like it or not, food is important to most of us -and to our children.
Parenting the Hurt Child
Our own holiday traditions
Many years ago, we added our own holidays – Apple Picking Day, Fall Harvest Day, Christmas Cookie and Craft Day, Spring Fun Day, Camp Lemon-Lime (our family camp), and Pool Days.
Before I share a little about each one, let me talk about why it is important to practice the habit of celebration on your own turf in your own way when raising kiddos with trauma histories and/or Capital Letter Syndromes. Often going to events is overstimulating for these kiddos. Hosting an event on your own turf means you can help your kiddos learn to enjoy celebrations and control the order and environment as much as possible. When we do this, it gives the kiddos a chance to calm their nervous system by knowing what to expect and enjoy the event. Not that they won’t meltdown at a celebration you arranged, but it will decrease the severity and frequency and bump up the ability for a child to enjoy and build a store of new memories, and form new neural connections. Traditions are important. I talk about this in 25 Days Of Thriving Through Christmas.
Tip 14 – Start a tradition.
The truth is we each have traditions whether we choose them or just participate in them by default. We say to our spouses, “But, my mom did it this way.” The traditions are seared into our minds so deeply that we consider them dates on a calendar instead of choices.
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Our children who have come from hard places may have traditions embedded in their lives too. They may traditionally remember no dinner on Christmas day or presents. They may have treated Christmas as just another day.
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Dare to parent. Choose a tradition of your own.
So, when you decide to start a new tradition, give the child fair warning. Also, a caution, don’t listen to complaining or whining.
The beginning of a tradition now is a pocket full of memories later.
Three reasons to create your own holidays
Holiday parties and events may be overstimulating for your kiddos. When this is true, no one enjoys the celebration. Instead of celebrating, it is just surviving.
It may days for your child to recover from the party/event. If it takes days for your child to recover, then they can’t enjoy the rest of the season. While I can’t promise it won’t take time to recover from your homegrown event on your turf, the next point explains why it will take less time.
When you plan your own event on your own turf, you provide felt-safety. You can set the schedule, plan the activities, skip, or change what doesn’t work. There’s also the added benefit that your kiddo can retreat to a quiet, familiar place when they are overwhelmed.
How to plan a holiday event on your own turf
Earlier I spoke of when -we added our own holidays – Apple Picking Day, Fall Harvest Day, Christmas Cookie and Craft Day, Spring Fun Day, Camp Lemon-Lime (our family camp), and Pool Days. You may be wondering what that actually looks like. Let me tell you first what it isn’t – none of our events fall on an actual holiday. We don’t hijack Christmas and turn it into a cookie and craft day. What it is – a day we pick that is neutral territory and if possible not encroaching on other family events. It is not always possible, for example, this year, my son is getting married on a Friday and our Fall Harvest Day is the very next day.
Okay, let me get into the nitty-gritty.
Ten tips for hosting your own family event.
- Pick a day for your event. This day should be significantly in the future. By that I mean, don’t pick three days from now. That’s too much stress and work.
- Pick activities you’d like to include – for instance for Fall Harvest Day this year, we have pumpkin carving, door-to-door “trick or treating”, cookie decorating with hot chocolate, a succulent planting station, a pumpkin scavenger hunt, and leaf pile jumping.
- Plan your menu if you’re including a meal or snacks.
- Do a brain dump of everything you have to do up to a month ahead of time. If you do the same even annually, save this brain dump and edit it to fit this year. Include food and other items you need to purchase.
- From your brain dump, make a list of tasks and add them to your day planner. For instance, you shouldn’t add clean bathrooms to your planner a month before the event, but you could add – make pumpkin muffins a month ahead of time and freeze them. Spreading items you need to purchase over months instead of buying everything at once is more budget-friendly. Plus, whatever you can save from previous years (extra fall stickers) or make yourself is a plus.
- Delegate jobs as much as possible. This year, daughter Audrey is buying prizes, Ania is handling cookie doh and hot chocolate, and Amerey is buying tiny pots for the succulent station. I’ve got food for the day, candy, pumpkins, and everything else. If your kids are younger and you are inviting some friends, ask them to pitch in with specific jobs. It’s better to say, “I really need you to bring five pumpkins,” than to say, “Bring whatever,” and still have the task of buying the pumpkins and hoping your friend brings something you need. For example, when we hosted Easter egg hunts (pre-pandemic) for our family and friends, I asked people to drop off 12 eggs per child so I could pre-stuff them.
- The week before your event, recheck your list. It’s no fun to have one day before your event and realize you haven’t purchased or made a crucial item (been there done that).
- Keep it simple. I’m a huge fan of doing things well, of decorating my home for each season, having all the homemade goodies, and I’m a recovering perfectionist. If you follow me on Instagram, you’ll see some really cute pictures from these events, but what you don’t see is the mess in the background. While I do clean my home before the event, it’s not the time to stress about muddy footprints with kids running in and out, or think you need the perfect cookie doh recipe that took you an afternoon to prepare or expect the kiddos to do every craft, make Pinterest-worthy cookies (more about that in the next point). Keeping it simple simply means less stress for you, less stress for participants, and more joy for all.
- Kids should be allowed to opt out of activities. This means we change our expectations. If a kid needs a quiet space and a break, it goes back to providing felt-safety. Let them. If sticking their hands in potting soil is sensory overload, but they want a cute succulent, plant it for them while they watch. The key is – are they having fun and feeling safe at the same time?
- Be flexible. By that I mean, you as the adult can decide to not do an activity. If you’re three-fourths of the way through the day and you still have three crafts prepped, and you know the kiddos are DONE- you are the adult. Pack those up for next year and take a break.
Conclusion
When we take our proactive parenting power and put it to work, we realize the habit of celebration is up to us.
Celebration is a choice. If our family had waited until all the circumstances were perfect before we celebrated life, we never would.
Why create your own holidays? Holiday parties and events may be overstimulating for your kiddos. The recovery time may not be worth the price for events outside of your turf. It may days for your child to recover from the party/event. When you plan your own event on your own turf, you provide felt-safety. You can set the schedule, plan the activities, set the schedule, skip or change what doesn’t work.
other resources:
3 Simple Steps to Hosting Capital Letter Syndrome Friendly Christmas Cookie and Craft Day
3 Tips for Thriving Through The Holidays
Ten Tips For Navigating Holiday Gatherings Show Notes