Parenting Neurodiverse Children with Renee Mill
Trauma-Informed Parenting
Parenting Neurodiverse Children with Renee Mill
Kathleen Guire: Hi, Kathleen Guire here. Welcome to this episode of Trauma-Informed Parenting. I have a returning guest, Renee Mill. If you missed her, you need to go back to the back list and listen to her talk about anxiety and children. But if this is your first-time hearing Renee speak, I am going to ask her to share a little bit about herself. Hello, Renee.
Renee Mill: Hi, how are you, Kathleen?
Kathleen: I’m doing well. Could you just share a little bit about your background? Obviously, people are going to know you are not from the United States because of your beautiful accent. Just share a little bit about yourself.
Renee: Well, let’s start with that. I’m originally from South Africa. But I’m now living in Sydney, Australia, so it’s early in the morning here on Friday morning. Originally, I was an occupational therapist. Now, I’m also a clinical psychologist and a neuro psychotherapist. I’ve always been interested in emotion regulation and the brain, really. It seems I’ve done lots of different things. I’ve been in practice since 1982 in my own private practice, first in Johannesburg and now in Sydney.
I have developed various courses and systems to help people rewire their brain and retrain their brain. That helps with things like stress, anxiety, and emotional intelligence in the workplace. The underpinning is all about how to remaster skills and how to take charge of your emotions. Obviously, that doesn’t mean invalidating your emotions but finding a way through where we can be our best selves.
Kathleen: That’s a great introduction. You have done a lot with your life. I’m so glad that you’re willing to share with us today. Today, Renee is going to be talking about parenting neurodiverse children. So, if you’re in the audience and you’re like, “This is me; I am parenting neurodiverse children, and often I do not understand them,” before we started recording, Renee and I were talking about that often it’s hard to understand and put yourself in their shoes. So, that’s what she’s going to talk about. Tell us a little bit about your journey to this topic of parenting neurodiverse children.
Renee: Well, when I was studying to become an occupational therapist in the 1970s, they had very different terms. It’s actually embarrassing now when I look at some of those terms, because they’re so not correct. But the original term for kids with learning problems was minimal brain dysfunction. I don’t know if you remember that; MBD. We were treating kids with what we called dyslexia. There wasn’t the term ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) in those days; it was in MBD. It was seen as something wrong with the brain which, in a way, was not incorrect, but it was seen to be a dysfunction. So, we’ve come a long way since the 1970s.
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I don’t work with kids, per se, anymore; now I work with parents. But in those days, I did do different skills with those kinds of children. It was also before computers. In occupational therapy, we used activities which were fantastic. I still believe in different activities to help. I used lots of what was called multiple intelligences around 1983. Gardner spoke about multiple intelligences. So, there’s been different terminology, but I’ve always been interested in that.
Having said that, I’m very, what is called today, neurotypical. I think in a very vertical way. I love lists. I can plan really well. Of course, I married someone who is very neurodiverse (I won’t give him a label), and some of my children are. It’s very confronting because you have a system that works. See? I even used the word system. I have systems, little tips, and tricks. Today, we call them hacks.
You want to teach your husband or children, “I’ve got a really good way of doing it,” and they just don’t see it that way or they can’t implement it. So, it can be very, very frustrating, especially when you think it’s the right way. There are two aspects. One is not to see it as a pathology. It’s very exciting now that we talk about neurodiversity and being neurotypical. Both of them are part of the same range (I don’t want to use the word spectrum) of how people think and do things.
As a clinician and a parent, it’s really important not to superimpose your way but to really try and understand how to help the people in your life or your patients to find solutions that work for them. It’s not that their way of doing it is wrong. Our system actually fits only some of us. How do we help people fit into a system in a way that doesn’t compromise who they are as individuals?
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Kathleen: Yes, I think that’s really important because the traditional parenting mindset used to be, “My way or the highway,” with your kids. It’s like, “You have to do it this way because this is the way I do it.” That really backfires when you are parenting a child who doesn’t see through the same lens or think the same way that you think. Obviously, you’ve already gotten into this a little bit, but I’m just going with my questions here. Why is this topic relevant for parents?
Renee: Well, what I also wanted the opportunity to share is that as a clinical psychologist, people talk to you about some of their deepest thoughts and feelings. Sometimes people have feelings that they’re ashamed of. One of the things that parents might not often tell anybody else is that they really often don’t like their children or are struggling with these kids who are so different to them.
One of my favorite books is called Far From the Tree by Andrew Solomon, who looks at parents of children who are very, very different. It’s really a worthwhile read. He looks at parents, hearing parents, of children who are deaf. Or normal- height parents of children who are dwarfs. Parents of mass murderers. All kinds of different children. How do you be a parent of someone who’s so different from you?
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other resources:
3 Reasons Every Parent Needs A Trauma-Informed Education
Positive Psychological Traits with Dr. Jerrod Brown
Understanding The Levels Of Your Kiddo’s Trauma Bucket