3 Important Tips About Alexithymia From A Trauma-Informed Parenting Coach and Mom
Alexithymia is when a person has difficulty experiencing, identifying, and expressing emotions.
I’m beginning this episode/article with a definition for a reason. When we are parenting kiddos with trauma histories/Capital Letter Syndromes (or reparenting ourselves) we hear many terms. Alexithymia is one of those. Along with proprioception, interoception, and a slew of other words which leave us scratching our heads.
Often we parents don’t have time to create notes and look every new-fangled term up when therapists use them as frequently as we use the word “that” (I recently found 22 “that”s in a chapter of mine I was editing). While I’m not a professional therapist, nor do I have lots of letters behind my name, I am a Trauma-Informed Parenting coach. I like to take concepts and break them down into bite-sized pieces and share them with you so we can all be better parents, grandparents, caregivers, and professionals. If you are a professional and you’re listening/reading, excuse my rudimentary explanations and enjoy my examples. I’d rather show you what alexithymia looks like rather than only share academic research and studies -which I love to delve into, but in order to apply what we learn, we need personal examples.
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alexithymia journey
I understood and experienced the effects of alexithymia long before I learned the term. It was part of my childhood that I’m examining through a new lens -autism. It’s also a huge part of some of my kiddos and some of my grand kiddos’ lives.
One of my favorite movie scenes is the “I’m angry” scene from Enchanted. Why? As an adult, I realize how many times I don’t recognize my own emotions. And as I look through the lens of autism to my childhood, I realize how numbly I approached life.
I didn’t realize I was angry, sad, happy, or fill-in-the-blank, and also, I didn’t know that others expected me to react in emotional ways. Let me explain, there’s a photo of me at a surprise birthday party for me staring blankly ahead while people smiled and sang Happy birthday. I zoned completely. You may be surprised that I basically live most of my childhood unaware of how I felt because if you know me now, you have a different idea of who I am. I’m happy, energetic, and excited about life. But it’s been a long journey to get here.
put yourself in your kiddo’s shoes
Why am I talking about myself? I tell people who attend my live workshops before we dig into the material to keep two people in mind and think about the concepts as they apply to those people -one being themselves, the other one of their kiddos. It’s important to learn while applying the information to actual people, experiences, and situations. Otherwise, information becomes simply rote knowledge that you may be able to take a multiple choice test on but you can’t apply it to your life.
In Your Kiddo’s Trauma Bucket, I talk about delayed trauma responses. We can also have delayed responses to emotions we didn’t know we felt. For example, if one of your kiddos with a trauma history/Capital Letter Syndrome comes home from swim practice and is silent and you ask “What’s wrong?” And the response is “Nothing. Leave me alone.” or some version of that, it may be time to figure out what actually went on. This doesn’t mean putting the child under a bright light and interrogating them. This means helping them identify a feeling.
I’ll give you an example from one of my kiddos who was a teen at the time. He was sullen and not really displaying much emotion about a friendship I was concerned about. When he came in from goofing around in the woods with said friend with burns on his arms and other small injuries, I was more than concerned. I was livid. He wasn’t. This teen was his “friend” he said and it was okay. The confusing thing about mixing alexithymia with trauma histories is some kiddos don’t know how they feel at the moment and abuse may be normal to them. Mistreatment -physical, emotional, or spiritual, is okay because that’s their core belief whether they can state it or not.
Your Kiddo’s Trauma Bucket Workbook
kiddos with trauma histories/Capital Letter syndromes can learn to identify emotions
I pooled my daughters and a friend (who is like a daughter) in a group chat asking them to give me some examples of alexithymia because they all have kiddos with Capital Letter Syndromes. My friend said her son could “become overly angry. Remember that time in public school when someone bumped into him at the water foundation and he swung around ready to fight because he thought it was aggression.”
From my daughter Audrey – a story about my grandson Robin who is on the spectrum:
He had a meltdown leaving the playground last week and screamed the whole way home and another five minutes in the car after I parked and when I talked to him and got him to calm down, he wanted to watch the show Otis about the tractor and he told me “it’s SAD and HAPPY and ANGRY. Three feelings! I have three things!”
My daughter added – ” for my kids, we talk so much about emotional literacy and identifying physical feelings – emotions, I’m struggling to think of specific examples, usually it’s kids not realizing they’re tired or thirsty or anxious or sick.”
Kiddos with trauma histories and/or Capital Letter Syndromes can learn to identify feelings but it will take work. Parents must work on emotional literacy by talking about feelings and allowing kiddos to feel all sorts of feelings. Then walk them through identifying what they are feeling.
emotional awareness isn’t a one and done
I’ve noticed a trend in fitness programs it’s – the one and done – a phrase that gives the impression that once you complete this you’re done. You won’t ever need another fitness program. If you complete this 12-week program, you’ll be changed forever and won’t need a reboot. While I’ve completed some of those programs (some more than once) I still have to exercise. Not only that, but if I get off track in other areas of my life -if I slide into a short season of unhealthy eating, or I’m so busy enjoying family activities that I stay up too late too many nights, my sleep is off, my eating is off, or fill-in-the-blank, then I need a reboot. Often this is when alexithymia rears its ugly head. I’ve gotten out of balance and something happens that should stimulate an emotional reaction and I’m stumped. I either reach for the cookies or fall on the couch and try to figure out “What’s wrong with me?”
how to have peace
WHEN YOUR KIDS ARE IN CHAOS free guide
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times (Charles Dickens)
My daughter shared a story from her life “I was irritable and out of sorts for over a week once when a friend was moving away and a therapist had to tell me the feeling I had was sad. I genuinely didn’t know… I was happy for her. Her husband had gotten a good job. I had forgotten I could feel two things about something at once.
Kiddos may struggle with periods of regression once they have grasped the concept that they have feelings. After learning how to identify feeling sad, angry, happy, etc, they may go through the same cycles we do as adults. This doesn’t mean they have lost everything they’ve learned. When it comes to emotional intelligence, there is never a “one and done.” Identifying and being aware of how we feel is a job we will have for the rest of our lives.
conclusion
Alexithymia is when a person has difficulty experiencing, identifying, and expressing emotions.
Put yourself in your kiddo’s shoes. If he is struggling with identifying emotions- help him. This means helping them identify a feeling.
Kiddos with trauma histories/Capital Letter syndromes can learn to identify emotions. Kiddos with trauma histories and/or Capital Letter Syndromes can learn to identify feelings but it will take work. Parents must work on emotional literacy by talking about feelings and allowing kiddos to feel all sorts of feelings. Then walk them through identifying what they are feeling.
Emotional literacy and awareness aren’t a one-and-done. Kiddos may struggle with periods of regression once they have grasped the concept that they have feelings. After learning how to identify feeling sad, angry, happy, etc, they may go through the same cycles we do as adults. This doesn’t mean they have lost everything they’ve learned.
other resources
Parenting Neurodiverse Children with Renee Mill
Positive Psychological Traits with Dr. Jerrod Brown
Understanding The Levels Of Your Kiddo’s Trauma Bucket