3 Important Habits Guaranteed To Reduce Religious Trauma In Your Church
No one wants to think that their church is causing religious trauma. We want to be a welcoming safe haven for everyone. We want newcomers to feel safe and loved, and learn how much Christ loves them. Unfortunately, understanding how trauma affects kiddos, we need to take a look at how the big C church is practicing habits that cause religious trauma. Then we need to change the direction.
Think of your church as a hospital 🏥 instead of a perfectionist factory. When it comes to church rules, practices, and rituals -that’s a lot of expectations for anyone. It’s a lot of pressure for people who have attended the same church for their entire life. It’s even more pressure for a child/adult who has never attended.
Because this site is Trauma-Informed Parenting, I’m going to focus on viewing my points through the lens of a child. Let’s imagine a child comes through the door of your church carrying a heavy load of trauma, emotional wounds, and the inability to regulate. Maybe this child also has sensory issues. Not only are the lights and sounds overwhelming, but adults are loud and getting in his face. Because he can’t control his wiggly body and he is operating in his downstairs brain -fight, flight, fawn, or freeze, he is corrected over and over. BERATED. Told he needs to behave. He is kicked out of Kid’s Church Sunday after Sunday. Mom and Dad (or foster parents) are frustrated and wonder if going to church is worth it.
What do I mean by a hospital?
Imagine this example given in my ETC (Empowered To Connect) Training. A child in a wheelchair enters the church. Every accommodation is made for her (and should be) to participate in the service. When a hearing-impaired kiddo joins the congregation, we make sure we have someone proficient in sign language interpret the service. Right? And practices should be in play.
But what about the child with a trauma history whose five Bs are affected -Brain, Biology, Body, Beliefs, and Behavior? What about a child with extreme sensory issues? A Capital Letter Syndrome such as ADHD, FASD, SPD, GAD, ASD, etc… What accommodations are being made for these kiddos? What sort of treatment are we prescribing?
Full disclosure. I am autistic (self-diagnosed). When my trauma bucket is full to overflowing- meaning a combination of triggers, sensory input, peopling, and trying my best to interpret social signals and regulate, overflows – I CAN’T anymore. Not won’t CAN’T. The best prescription for me? A quiet environment in which to recover which sometimes means skipping the final five minutes of church before the socializing begins.
*Many of my kiddos suffered continued correction and berating because they couldn’t regulate, read social cues, know the text of morality spoken, or have the ability to live it out. I’m not going to share all of their stories (although they graciously give me permission to share lots of things). Let me just say, some of them are still healing from the religious trauma they suffered because there was no prescriptive treatment for kiddos who had trauma histories and Capital Letter Syndromes. Because they couldn’t behave, they were labeled the bad kids.
Make your church family-centered not adult-centered. There is this unwritten expectation that church is a serious business for adults. Kiddos should participate without interrupting. Have the same attention span. It’s as if church services are above their intelligence level which is a disservice to them. Of course, some kiddos won’t understand deep theological subjects at three years old, but you’d be surprised at how much they may absorb.
I’m not saying church services need to be all balloons or cotton candy. but when you don’t include the kiddos in worship, but instead constantly berate them for wiggling, being tired, hungry, thirsty, or talking, then you aren’t ministering to the future adults of your congregation. They are more likely to go find love and acceptance elsewhere.
How can you make your church family-friendly?
One of the practices my Pastor has is to include the kiddos in worship and then he calls a kiddo forward to participate in an object lesson. Another great idea is note sheets for the kids who stay in service, complete with coloring sections, a place for main points, notes, and of course doodling. I’m a regular note-taker and I love to doodle. It helps me concentrate.
Also, don’t make all the events adult-centered. While I think it is super important to equip the body by providing marriage conferences, and trainings (like Trauma-Informed Training), I think it’s important to host family-friendly events that make accommodations for all the kiddos.
Grab your reference guides
Need some science based trauma-informed reference guides? Then this is for you -How Trauma Affects Your Kiddos, Six Risk Factors for Trauma, The IDEAL Parenting Approach, and the “Instead Of”Tips – Parenting tips to use instead of traditional parenting for a more connected approach.
Grab these references for yourself and share with family, teachers, Sunday school teachers, and anyone who works with your kiddos. You’ll no longer struggle with explaining your parenting with these handy guides to help you.
Arrange the environment to suit your congregation
While I’m not here to reinvent the wheel, there is a lot of latitude in the way we arrange the environment in our churches. We can have away rooms (which many churches do) for nursing mothers, cranky toddlers, and sensory-overwhelmed kiddos. Many churches now have a Special Needs Ministry Coordinator (Capital Letter Syndrome) to make sure the needs of the entire congregation are met. Of course, small churches may not have the budget for such a person. What you can do instead, is invest in some trauma-informed training for your staff. One of the resources I offer, I created for my former Kids Church Leaders –The “Instead Of” Tips. Grab a copy and go over it in a meeting. Keep the infographic somewhere everyone can see it reminds volunteers what to do instead of traditional parenting practices.
how to have peace
WHEN YOUR KIDS ARE IN CHAOS free guide
Require background checks for anyone working with kiddos. Within the church, we need to expose sexual sin, not cover it. With pornography on the rise, grooming being blatantly practiced, and familial trafficking happening in our neighborhoods, we enter the church building expecting safety. Unfortunately, that’s not the case. Why do pastors give sermons on addictions? Because Christians struggle with addictions. While we pray for revival we can’t pretend sin isn’t real and has deep generational and cultural roots.
Not to mention, some people enter churches to groom kids. There. I said it. Don’t think it’s true? Ask about six friends or extended family members to share a story they’ve lived or experienced. Here’s mine -my extremely talented niece was groomed by a worship leader and came pretty close to being trafficked – I tell that story in this episode.
While I’ll be the first to say, most people in the church body aren’t traffickers or pedophiles, we can’t be ignorant of the fact they exist. Remember, satan entered the garden to tempt Eve. He didn’t yell from outside the fence.
talk about cultural issues
This is a bonus point, but so important. As I said earlier, we can walk through the church doors and think of it as a safe haven from the world. On the one hand, we can’t be ignorant of what is being brought inside the church doors – through us- or others. By that I mean, we don’t leave our cultural issues at the door. We need to be wise as serpents and know what they are. I can’t tell you what yours are. It’s important to do research on what they are and be prepared for those issues coming into your church. For example, the area I lived in three years ago had over 50% of infants born exposed to drugs and alcohol in utero. In my current geographical location, there are a huge number of kinship parenting scenarios (thank God for family members stepping forward to parent – but we must remember they have huge challenges and we must meet their specific needs- maybe start a support group?)
While I don’t have the time to explore the issues that face your geographical area, it’s important for you to do so if you are in leadership in any way, which includes any service in the church whatsoever.
conclusion:
No one wants to think that their church is causing religious trauma. We want to be a welcoming safe haven for everyone. Think of your church as a hospital 🏥 instead of a perfectionist factory. Let’s imagine a child comes through the door of your church carrying a heavy load of trauma, emotional wounds, and the inability to regulate. What accommodations are being made for these kiddos? What sort of treatment are we prescribing? Make your church family-centered not adult-centered. It’s important to host family-friendly events that make accommodations for all the kiddos. Require background checks for anyone working with kiddos. While we pray for revival we can’t pretend sin isn’t real and has deep generational and cultural roots.
I applaud all the churches that are already practicing these habits!
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