Traditional parenting (old-school) versus connected parenting
Comparing Traditional Parenting With Connected (Non-Traditional) Parenting
Why doesn’t traditional parenting work with kiddos who have trauma histories/Capital Letter Syndromes?
Traditional Parenting tends to focus on outer behavior. Its practice is all external – punishments, lectures, and consequences.
Let’s dig a Little Deeper
Traditional parenting really tends to focus on the outer- how are you behaving?
Connected, non-traditional parenting, attachment parenting doesn’t focus so much on the outer behavior. Connected parenting focuses on what is on the inside- feelings such as anxiety.
Note:
Triggers and trauma do exhibit as outer behaviors; however, if you focus on the inner you will lessen the frequency and severity of the behaviors.
If a child has a trauma history or Capital Letter Syndrome she has high cortisol levels. This means she can’t not won’t behave. She can’t regulate herself. It’s as if she is being chased by a bear all the time. That’s an extremely high level of anxiety.
free video training!
How do we connect more and correct less even when we are stressed? Grab this free short video training and find out! PS – you can apply these tips to yourself for a boost of self-care!
Put yourself in your child’s shoes
I ask people in my workshops – think about the scariest moment of their life and how they felt in that moment.
- Could you listen to instructions being lobbed at you?
- Could you focus on what the person in front of you was saying?
- Could you follow the instructions?
- Or were you just trying to navigate your way through the anxiety?
A traditional parenting story
This is what traditional parenting truly looks like…
If you’re confused listen to this little story example. Years ago, I was taking my kiddos on a field trip with our Homeschool Co-op -visiting a newspaper office to see how newspapers are printed. My sister had something going on that day so I had her kiddos. In the parking lot of the newspaper., I was going over the expectations before we went in (as all Moms do). “Before we join the rest of the class over there- let’s talk about what’s going to happen and the expectations.”
I asked my kiddos “What is the expectation?” You’ll see in a minute which direction I was thinking. My nephew said, “I know Aunt Kathleen -no hitting, no kicking, no punching, no pushing,…” He went on with a long list of the behaviors that we cannot do inside the newspaper station.
I paused for a second then I said “Oh, that’s very good, Nathaniel, but what I was thinking was: observe the process, ask questions.”
Nathaniel’s little list summed up traditional parenting – no hitting sit in your seat, don’t push don’t hit, etc… Obviously, we don’t our kiddos to do any of those things but there is more to parenting than correction and outer behavior.
Traditional parenting focuses on outward behaviors and at that time I was looking for work inward things – Are you learning something? Are you enjoying the trip? Do you enjoy watching the paper roll off the rollers? What are you focusing on?
An example of connected parenting
Connected or Attachment parenting (which is non-traditional) I’m just going to use the three terms interchangeably – non-traditional parenting, attachment parenting, and connected parenting. With connected parenting – the focus is on how the child is responding inwardly to the situation. It’s evaluating and providing coping mechanisms or co-regulation. (Dr. Dan Siegel calls it didactic regulation). Co-regulation simply means that the child can’t regulate so you are going to regulate for her. You do this by providing proactive solutions.
You can provide proactive solutions for your triggers and help yourself regulate.
Learning about connected parenting often begins with learning about ourselves and reparenting ourselves. My example actually has to do with myself – recently I went on a trip to California (which is on the opposite side of the United States) with my husband for the Diamond Club sponsored by Darden. It was an amazing event
Here’s the thing – I do not like to fly. What I don’t like about flying is being in a small closed space with no door. I can’t just leave a plane. I know you can if you have a parachute. You get the point. So when traveling on a plane, I must be proactive and parent myself. I have had to learn about myself is I need to have a plan for exactly what I’m going to do on these flights- whether I have some shows downloaded or an audiobook downloaded. On this particular trip, I had a PDF to busy my mind, a bag of snacks that I like, water, and a movie to watch. I need to know exactly how long the flight is so I can mentally prepare myself.
Those are proactive practices we can use to parent ourselves. We need to practice proactive parenting on a larger scale for our children if we want connected parenting in a non-traditional way. The reason I say on a larger scale is that they often cannot figure out what their triggers are or which situation is difficult for them.
I didn’t realize until I was an adult at one of the reasons that travel triggered me was because my siblings and I had to travel to see my dad. When I was five, my parents divorced. My mom had a restraining order against my dad. It was a miserable, chaotic time. When he was finally able to spend time with us, we four kids would visit him for a month at a time. He had moved to a new place every year which required a lot of travel. Sometimes we kids were put on a plane without an adult and just like that -there you go- hello, trauma. I didn’t know where we were going every year and no one took the time to explain it to me. Or show me on a map.
That’s just the way it was in the parenting arena during that era. Traditional parenting was practiced by most parents. I’m not blaming anyone. But if you want to be more connected and attached to your child then you have to learn what their triggers are. Learn what causes a meltdown. Learn those things that are going on and interpret them. Plus, plan some proactive strategies that will help them beforehand.
For instance, if you know that your child can not handle large gatherings (including birthday parties) for long -they get overstimulated. You have a plan. You say, “We are going to your cousin’s birthday party. We are only going to stay this amount of time. We will stay till they blow out the candles. If at any point we need to go outside and walk around and we will go do that. If you need extra food….”
If you know the child can’t handle too much sugar and you know she is going eat cake and cookies then bring a protein snack- some cheese sticks or trail mix. Bring something. You handle it for them.
In traditional parenting – we want a child to change, we want the environment to change, and we want the world to change. The more your child and her responses don’t fit into the world – the more that she will feel ashamed, guilty, wrong, and broken. She can’t enjoy life.
My recent breakdown
I had a breakdown several months ago -after I’d left a conference early. It wasn’t anxiety or anything like that. On that particular trip, I had to leave early. I only missed one workshop. See… that’s ridiculous- I feel guilty for missing a workshop. Why did I leave early? I’m a Celiac and they didn’t provide gluten-free meals for me as they had promised. I survived on protein bars, chocolate, and canned Starbucks Coffee. The point is – I had to come home early because the event was not fitting me. That’s okay.
But I wasn’t okay with it. I had a breakdown. I messaged my daughter and I said, “I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’m always going to be like this. These things are always going to happen and I’m never going to be able to travel. I’m never…”
I was having a pity party. I was struggling with guilt for leaving early, shame for not being able to manage, and exhaustion from not eating well for three days.
Honestly, how many kids are stuck in that cycle? Maybe your kiddo doesn’t know what she needs. Maybe your child can’t process what is triggering them. The neurotypical brain is not e fully developed until age 25. How can a neurodivergent brain process all the triggers, oversensitivity, sensory overload, and behaving outwardly all the time if I can’t process it as an adult?
My daughter parented me – “What you need to do is you need to work on your coping mechanisms. Be proactive. Have a plan.”
*OUCH*
This is exactly what I tell everybody else. I usually do that I just had high expectations of that particular conference. I’m offering myself and my experience as an example for you.
Although I’ve used travel examples, the list of triggers for your kiddo may be totally different.
Let me just tell you, parents, you have permission to not participate in all the activities. As much as possible cut out activities that send your child to the edge or into meltdown.
The nervous system and recovery
Here’s another aspect to consider – every time your child has a meltdown her nervous system has to recover. Her cells need time to recycle energy. It’s exhausting.
One of the central points of connected parenting attachment parenting is to lessen the frequency and severity of the meltdowns. You can’t eliminate them altogether. When you reduce the severity and the frequency of survival mode then your child’s body has a chance to recover -recycle her energy. The nervous system has time to calm down so that she can feel better inside. When she feels better inside then her behavior will be better on the outside.
Although often in our culture outward behavior is the most important – the most important to us is that inner feeling of calm and peace. It’s also called felt safety.
I want to make that distinguishment between traditional parenting and attachment parenting or co-regulated parenting, or connected parenting. *If all those words are new to you or maybe you’ve heard them before and you’re like in theory but you don’t know – how to approach it or put it into practice or what that looks like – like hopefully, this has given you a little bit of a glimpse into connected parenting.
I will be talking about this subject including – felt safety- which I’ll get into next week. I’ll be talking about this subject for the next for the month of October.
It’s super important, especially entering the holiday season which we are entering – Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas -boom boom boom.
We want our children to enjoy these seasons. The Guire family has Fall Harvest Day at the Guire Shire coming up real soon. Our whole family gets together – we do crafts, something with pumpkin whether it’s painting or carving. Then we obviously have Thanksgiving and Christmas in quick succession.
Summation -Traditional parenting (old school) versus connected parenting
Traditional parenting is not connected and attached parenting. Traditional parenting focuses mainly on outer behavior.
Connected parenting focuses on attachment and connection. How does the child feel inwardly? Does she feel safe? Is she anxious? What are her triggers? Parents must be detectives, figure out triggers, and be proactive to lessen the severity and frequency of survival mode or meltdowns.
Non-traditional, attached, connected, parenting requires parents to take responsibility and determine what the kiddo needs. Then ask -how can I help her regulate?
How can I help her thrive? Get down to the root. Are you feeling anxious? Are you afraid because last time we went to Aunt Anne’s you had a meltdown because it was overstimulating? The music was too loud?
Figure out what’s going on and then find some proactive strategies that work for your child not against your child. Please, please, please and I know I’ve been guilty of this – when you’re going in somewhere when you’re in the car giving the before-we-go-in-there instructions. You know what I’m talking about! “Alright we’re ready to go into the birthday party- you better behave– or the grocery store-you better behave– you better- do that no don’t make it about ONLY the behavior.
Instead, take the opportunity to explain what’s going to happen when you get inside such as – it might be loud, they’re going to sing Happy Birthday, etc… Yes we absolutely want our kids to behave but remember it’s can’t not won’t. It might be something along the lines of-
- Do you have your noise-reducing headphones with you so if you feel like you can put those on
- Remember, Aunt Anne has this extra bedroom you can go to for a little bit
- We can go outside and walk around the yard
Just have those strategies in place.
free video training!
How do we connect more and correct less even when we are stressed? Grab this free short video training and find out! PS – you can apply these tips to yourself for a boost of self-care!
Felt-safety is more valuable than gold
I sent my daughter a voice message the other day. She was up here a couple of weeks ago for the day visiting with five of my grandgirls. She ran out to the store and I kept all about the baby. I just wanted to tell her (this is so overwhelming to me that I cried) how safe and at home, my grandgirls feel here. I’m so grateful. Little Cecilia was dragging around this big fur blanket and sitting out on the porch bench reading a book. I was playing out in the yard with the other kids we are doing some little relay races and blowing bubbles. When they wanted something else they ask -“Okay, can I have this?” (meaning hot chocolate or more bubbles – nothing extraordinary)? They just feel so safe and comfortable here. After raising kids who have experienced a lot of trauma and have Capital Letter Syndromes, I know the value of felt-safety and connected parenting. Those are more precious than gold -I mean that is more precious than these outward things. Inner peace, connection, attachment, and felt safety are priceless. Like I say in my bio -I would love to help you find some peace in your parenting!
Additional resources:
3 Tips For Handling A Kiddo Who Is In Fight, Flight, Or Freeze
3 Reasons Your Child Is Not Listening and What to Do About Them
Having A Capital Letter Syndrome is Trauma And 3 Practices To Help You Help Your Child