5 Habits Every Trauma-Informed Parent Needs To Practice
When raising kiddos with trauma histories and/or Capital Letter Syndromes (FASD, ADHD, GAD, ASD, SPD, etc…) we parents need habits to keep us healthy- emotionally, spiritually, and physically. We can develop what experts refer to as “compassion fatigue” (read here). What if we could develop some habits that help us proactively avoid slipping into patterns of fatigue and the desire to give up (more often)?
5 Habits Every Trauma-Informed Parent Needs To Practice
Practice Self-Care. The self-care I’m speaking of is not necessarily a spa day. I’m not saying not to treat yourself. It’s important to reward and refresh ourselves mentally and physically. More important than temporary relief is the deep work of making sense of and peace with our past. One of the reasons we end up exhausted and ready to quit is that our past is constantly triggered by our kiddos’ triggers. It’s a trigger war. Because we are adults, when it comes to healing, we need to go first. Our kids can’t. Plus if we don’t find healing for ourselves and stay stuck in the old patterns, so will they. Find a good therapist, counselor, life coach, or support group (or all of the above). I mention on the podcast I recorded to accompany this article that I chose this subject because it’s consistently an issue I struggle with. If there were an award for parenting from my past instead of my present, I would earn it. Plus, slipping back into old, unhealthy patterns is a natural byproduct of burnout.
move and exercise
Moving throughout the day and exercising are equally important. NEAT stands for Non-exercise activity thermogenesis. This is the movement we do throughout the day and it’s on the decline because we have modern technology and appliances to do the work for us. The problem for us parents is while we sit, hunched over, anxiety builds up, and toxins build up in our lymph nodes which need to be pumped out. Next thing you know we are feeling “tired and wired.’
I think back to my younger days of shelling peas, working in the garden with my family, helping my mom can, chopping veggies, cleaning, mowing, raking, and more. So many of these sorts of jobs modern culture tells us to hire out so we have more time. More time to do what? I’m not saying we all need to grow a garden, but for your own sanity, get up and move. This is something that’s not hard to do and has great benefits such as losing the sluggish feeling, draining your lymph nodes, and creating more energy.
Exercise is different than NEAT and should be a habit for all humans. It’s even more important for us parents raising kiddos with trauma histories and Capital Letter Syndromes. If you don’t want to go to a spin class, do HIIT training, or run a marathon, that’s okay. Walking is actually the best exercise you can do and the bonus is -you can continue this habit for your whole life. Harvard lists five benefits: counteracts weight gain, helps reduce our sweet tooth, boosts immune function, eases joint pain, and reduces the risk of breast cancer.
nutrition
It’s important that we feed our bodies nutrient-dense foods including a good balance of – healthy fats, protein, and complex carbs. I’m not going to get into this too deeply but I do know that Moms need to hear this. They often don’t eat enough of the right foods which makes them prone to afternoon crashes and exhaustion. You can learn more about nutrition by listening to Amber Stewart – A Certified FX Nutritionist and Foster Care/Adoption Mentor on the podcast.
Just one last note on this topic – Your children will eventually treat themselves the way you treat yourself.
Establish Boundaries For YOU and YOUR child. This is a tough habit to practice in this day and age. There are so many opportunities to do good and help others. We have schools, homeschool co-ops, churches, and communities who need us. Before you pick up your phone and volunteer, ask yourself, who needs me the most right now? Some seasons in your life, especially after a huge life change, or change in schedule and routine, it will be your kiddos. It’s okay to say no to all the “good” things going on outside of your home for a season. I promise you all those things will still be there in some shape or form later.
a few suggestions I wish I would have had in my early parenting days:
- Resist the urge to volunteer for something because you had one good day with your kiddos
- Reduce your community activity so you can actually feel “good” on other days – we get so used to living the I-can-do-this-one-more-day and crash-tomorrow mindset.
- Don’t make/expect your kiddos with trauma histories and Capital Letter Syndromes to do EVERYTHING every other child is doing
- Eliminate activities or outings that take multiple days to recover from or hamper with what you MUST DO (i.e appointments, homeschooling, school)
Invest in Spiritual Practices that fit you and your family. It’s okay if your child doesn’t go to Kids’ church. Find a church with rhythms and practices that don’t overstimulate your child (and you) so that it takes multiple days to recover from. Over-stimulating events are not building a spiritual foundation for you and your children. They are compounding the “behavior” issues that your child already feels “wrong” and “ashamed” for. Just a note, I don’t think the behaviors brought out by over-stimulation should be ignored, they are actually a warning bell that your child can’t regulate. If someone can (like a buddy) can help him regulate and absorb the material, great! If not, you’re not required for your child to participate. There’s no virtual checkmark big enough to replace your child actually feeling safe enough to learn the word and spiritual principles you want to impart.
A schedule. Schedules are tools. Schedules are boundaries that help kiddos feel safe. Schedules help parents act proactively instead of reacting. As I said, schedules work for us, so if there is a day the schedule isn’t working, drop it. Be flexible. I talk more in detail about what sorts of schedules I’ve used and what works best for our family on the podcast. You’ll have to find what works for your family. Some kids need a visual schedule no matter their age (I do too). Other kids are fine with a written schedule. Whatever you choose, make sure the schedule is prominently displayed for all to see. It doesn’t help your kiddo if only you know there are dentist appointments in the afternoon.
Parents – have an interest outside your child. Raising a child with a trauma history and/or a Capital Letter Syndrome is exhausting and all-consuming. We’re trying so hard to parent our kiddos the way they need to be parented that we can often lose sight of ourselves. That’s why this fifth habit is so important. Invest in a purpose/interest outside of our child. Why?
- your child is watching you
- your child will eventually grow up
- your child will eventually do what you do (or treat themselves the way you treat yourself)
If your minutes, days, and hours are full of researching what will help your child and maintaining your home, and you have some outside needs that aren’t being met – start something to meet those needs. By that I mean – start an adoption support group, a homeschool group, and a Mom’s Coffee (all of which I have done). Is it difficult? Yes, but starting a group you need does several things. First of all, it meets a need you have. It meets a need someone else traveling the same journey has. And finally, your child is watching you help others. You are teaching by action an important coping mechanism -help others with the help you need yourself.
Mom Habits Mini Course
Three Weeks- Six Simple Habits
conclusion
Obviously, you are reading this article or listening to the podcast because you are traveling the same journey I have. You want to know what someone who is a few feet ahead of you (not in having all the answers, just geographically) has to say, thanks for reading/listening. I hope this article and the podcast help you. Honestly, I have talked to so many moms and dads who were so entrenched in the feeding, clothing, and raising, of the kiddos, and following the directives of the culture that they didn’t think they could change their paths. You can. You can practice the habits that are best for you and your family. If only one of my suggestions helps you, that’s okay. Or if all my suggestions have you rethinking your patterns and habits, that’s a good thing. It’s okay to take some time and think about what habits your family needs. If you missed it, go back and listen to 3 Tips On Resetting Your Family Culture or read the article.
free video training!
How do we connect more and correct less even when we are stressed? Grab this free short video training and find out! PS – you can apply these tips to yourself for a boost of self-care!
other resources
3 Tips On Resetting Your Family Culture
Executive Function Trauma-informed Parenting With Dr. Jerrod Brown
3 Tips To Begin Healing From Trauma While Parenting