3 Ways to Overcome the “I learned the science of trauma and my home is still in chaos” -Pitfall
I learned the science of trauma and my home is still in chaos!
After we adopted a sibling group of four from Poland, I began my trauma-informed education. I thought learning it was enough. I read the books. Watched videos. Took classes. And bit by bit, I became trauma-informed. I could have taken an essay/fill-in-the-blank test and passed it with flying colors. The only problem was – my home was still in chaos.
Maybe you, like me, think that if you learn the science, you can figure out the why behind the behavior. I thought I could fix the behaviors and the chaos would be gone.
The Biggest Part of the Chaos Was Me
It didn’t work. I was so busy trying to fix my kids that I didn’t realize the biggest part of the chaos was me. It’s not that my kids were acting or reacting properly. They struggled with regulation because of their past experience. It still hurts to say this, the true common denominator in the cycle of chaos was me. It was my reactions, my triggers being activated. The cycle of behaviors and my reactions made me ashamed.
Something had to give, and it had to be me. I couldn’t parent from a base of shame. My past couldn’t parent. As Dr. Karyn Purvis said, “You can’t take your child somewhere you haven’t gone yourself.” I had to go first. I had to find hope and healing before I could lead my kiddos there.
I’m not saying to throw out the books. They have their place. Many good people have done research that we need to digest and apply. I didn’t throw away the books, I changed my approach.
What We Think Works
Simply gaining knowledge about the science of trauma won’t make everything in your home suddenly transform from chaos to peace.
I thought it would. And it didn’t. As hard as I tried to just be procedural and put the science into practice, I was missing a few variables.
1. Reframe our beliefs.
There are a lot of myths and misconceptions in the adoption/foster/trauma-informed care world.
Myth: a widely held but false belief or idea.
Misconception: a view or opinion that is incorrect because it is based on faulty thinking or understanding.
As these definitions imply, an important key in myths and misconceptions is our perception, which is based on what we know and our life experiences. We can’t change our perception unless we open ourselves up to new ideas and information.
We all have a history, a family story, and an adoption story (physical or spiritual). What’s important is where our beliefs come from and if they are true or not. I’ll delve into one misconception and one myth in this section. If you’d like to learn more about myths and misconceptions in adoption/foster care, preview the free module in How to Have Peace When Your Kids Are in Chaos here. Grab your free printable “Reframing” worksheet too!
Myths and Misconceptions in Adoption/Foster Care
The first step in reframing our beliefs is examining myths and misconceptions. Then we can begin to change our thinking.
Misconception: You are responsible for the trauma that happened to your kiddos before they came to you
This one was/is so tough for me. When my four came “home” from Poland, I cried when I made them dinner. I kept thinking of all the times they had been hungry. It broke my heart.
But it wasn’t helpful for me to feel responsible or think about the fact that I couldn’t save them from what happened before they came home to us. Sometimes, those thoughts put me in the frame of mind to let them get away with things they didn’t need to get away with. Other times, I just wanted to shut down. The kids would be enjoying dinner, laughing, talking, and goofing around, and I would be mopey for what seemed to them like no reason.
Mom guilt is real. Triggers are real. But when we let our kids’ previous trauma boss us around, then we are of no use to anyone. It is a better use of our time to help them deal with the effects of their trauma than to dwell on or feel responsible for it.
Myth: Your child will connect with you immediately.
I felt connected to my kiddos before I met them in person. The orphanage had sent me photos, and even before that, I started a journal to/for them. I prayed for them. I wrote down answers to prayers. Through this process, I became emotionally connected.
When we finally arrived in Poland to meet them and begin the final stage of the adoption process, my heart was set. It was set on them.
However, when they met me for the first time, they had no reference point. The explanation “This is your new mom” wasn’t used until later in the process because officials thought we would probably change our minds and back out. Even if that phrase had been used, I’m not sure these kiddos would have felt excitement or connection. The memories and ideas they associated “mother” and “father” may have not been pleasant — but that’s a topic for another time.
At our first meeting, when I wanted to smother them with kisses and squeeze them, I didn’t. I was a stranger to them. Even when they finally came home to us in the States, I was less of a stranger but still not someone they were connected to. We sometimes describe adopted kids as “the missing piece of the puzzle,” but I don’t think that metaphor fits (no pun intended). I think adoption is more like a skin graft. I explain it in this excerpt from A Positive Adoption Story:
“The prospective adoptive parent must begin the adoption journey with a hope of completion, otherwise, he would not even attempt the trip. The waiting child must survive whatever circumstances leave him in an orphanage or in foster care. The two are journeying on the same road toward one another, one with a heart filled with hope, another filled with loss and longing. When these two come together, it is not like two puzzle pieces that immediately fit together. It is more like a skin graft where the wound and the new skin grow slowly into a new healthy pink skin. It can be painful. It takes time.”
So although my family may be connected right away, consider these words from my kiddos:
Especially when adopting older children, you may not feel that gushy-emotional feeling all the time. It goes both ways. A child may feel uncomfortable, act stiff, and standoffish. He may not like the way you do things.
2. Remember we have a past. Our past affects our parenting.
If you follow Trauma-Informed Parenting, you know I talk about the topic of our past – A LOT. I don’t think I can talk about it enough. Many times when I “counsel” adoptive parents, I begin to see patterns from their past. It may be something as simple as “That’s how my mom made us set the table.” These statements let me know, the past is parenting. That’s not all bad. There are lots of good parenting practices we learned in our past, even at times, in the midst of trauma. And that’s good.
When Our Past Becomes A Problem
We must make sense of our past to be fully present for our kids.
We parents often believe that our past — that is, the way we were raised — is just a book on a shelf of memories. It’s not. Triggers are where the past and present intersect. We can’t assume our past is not affecting our present parenting.
Take a minute right now and think about the last chaotic interaction with your child. Did you see your child as rebellious, contentious, and constantly pushing your buttons on purpose? Are you looking through the lens of your past? Does each interaction take you back to your childhood and the way Mom or Dad responded to you, or are you looking through the lens of the child’s past? Are you seeing how their former caregivers/bio parents responded to them (not to judge them or their past but to better understand them)?
Often our daily tussles are not about our kids at all — they are about us. That’s not to say that our kids from hard places don’t have a past. It just means our past is running interference on the play.
““Children who enter the home of such parents have a poor prognosis for any real change in the way they relate to parents. There are neuronal pathways that enable them to feel a little of what the parent is feeling when they look in the parent’s eyes. If their parent is frightened or remembering trauma, children will respond with the mixed strategies of freezing, avoidance, and disorientation, and anger when they are around the parent. They will not want to connect with their parent’s state of mind. It is too overwhelming to feel the parent’s feelings.” – Nurturing Adoptions
3. We must practice the science of trauma, first with ourselves and then with our kiddos.
After we have worked on reframing our beliefs, and making sense of and peace with our past, we can begin to practice the science of trauma. Here’s the key – start with yourself. I’m not saying to drop the parenting ball or stop doing all the things you do for/with your kiddos. That’s not practical. We can’t push the pause button on life.
What we can do is begin to reread/listen to the science of trauma-informed parenting and think of ourselves. If you need some training – start here for the Trauma-Informed Parenting Training or start with the Beginner Bundle and then move through the Experienced Bundle. Instead of thinking, Oh my kiddo struggles with regulation, think instead:
- Do I struggle with regulation?
- Did I have any of the six risk factors for trauma?
- Did my parents co-regulate or did I miss that period of my life?
- What sort of attachment style do I have?
- Am I reacting to behaviors according to my past or the present?
- Do I need to reparent myself?
Once you start asking yourself questions (I’m sure many more will come to mind), start looking for answers. Obviously, these issues won’t be solved in a day or even a month. But, once you start examining your own past, you will grow your superpower of empathy for your children. You can then apply the science to them. Start learning about some new parenting tools and use them for yourself as well. Give yourself permission to enjoy life and your kids. Give yourself choice and voice and do the same for your kids. One adoptive mama shared with me that when I told her to get down on the floor and play with her kiddos, it was a game-changer. She began to enjoy them and connect. Here’s a great question to ask yourself – How do you wish adults would have treated you (or maybe they did) and do it!
Avoiding the Pitfalls and Finding the Peace
You can have more peace if you avoid the pitfalls and don’t rely solely on the science of trauma. Learning the science of trauma-informed parenting is important. But learning science alone as if you are going to take a high school exam isn’t enough. It’s what we thought worked, and now we know better. Refer to the graphics above often if you aren’t familiar with the correct order. I wasn’t. I tried all the wrong ways before I finally learned what works – reframing our beliefs, making sense of and peace with our past, and then applying the science -first to ourselves and then for our kiddos. Our behaviors will change, and eventually, so will our kiddos, and then we will have more peace and less chaos.