3 Things You Need To Know About Felt-Safety Parent Edition
“Felt Safety”
This means that adults arrange the environment and adjust their behavior so children can feel in a profound and basic way that they are truly safe in their home and with us. Until a child experiences safety for his or herself, trust can’t develop, and healing and learning won’t progress. We offer “felt safety” so healing may begin.
The Connected Child
How do you provide felt safety for yourself? And why do we need to provide felt safety? Shouldn’t the fact that we are basically safe from the trauma of our past be enough?
Dangers of not providing felt safety
Fear is a bully. It pushes us into a corner. We respond by not being able to self-regulate. When we cannot regulate our children mirror our dysregulation. We have high levels of anxiety and our cortisol levels rise, causing us to spin out of control.
Myth: You will feel safe because you are safe.
Whether fear is based on reality or not, it triggers the amygdala, known as “the watchdog of the brain.” In response, the body releases cortisol, and we stay stuck in fight, flight, or freeze. When cortisol levels are high, it’s as if we are being chased by a bear all the time. Even when it looks like our surroundings are safe, we don’t feel safe.
And here’s the thing: Anything you try absolutely will not work until we feel safe. Fear is a tricky thing. It can cut off the executive function of the brain — the “upstairs brain” where we make logical decisions and make sense of things. When the executive function of the brain is not working properly, we will stay in camped out in our “downstairs brain.” Everything will be reactionary. In Screwtape Letters, the demon Screwtape tells his understudy Wormwood –
“There is nothing like suspense and anxiety for barricading a human’s mind against the Enemy. He wants men to be concerned with what they do; our business is to keep them thinking about what will happen to them.”
― C.S. Lewis, The Screwtape Letters
We parents with a trauma history and/or a Capital Letter Syndrome can stay stuck. We do this by ruminating on what can happen to us based on our fears about our past.
That’s the weird thing about fear. FEAR doesn’t know the difference between the past, present, and future. Instead, the three run together.
Here’s something you can do right now: ask yourself what you need to feel safe. Often, with adults, the answer is difficult to ascertain especially if we’ve lived in denial that our past is parenting our kiddo. I get it. I mistakenly assumed that because I had experienced childhood trauma I would be equipped to parent a child with a trauma history. Instead what happened is my triggers, and their triggers wrestled on a daily basis.
“Something had to give, and it had to be me. I couldn’t parent from a base of shame. My past couldn’t parent. As Dr. Karyn Purvis said, “You can’t take your child somewhere you haven’t gone yourself.” I had to go first. I had to find hope and healing before I could lead my kiddos there.”
– 3 Ways to Overcome the “I learned the science of trauma and my home is still in chaos” -Pitfall
Instead of thinking- oh my kiddo struggles with regulation, think instead:
- Do I struggle with regulation?
- Did I have any of the six risk factors for trauma ?
- Did my parents co-regulate or did I miss that period of my life?
- What sort of attachment style do I have?
- Am I reacting to behaviors according to my past or the present?
- Do I need to reparent myself?
3 simple ways to provide felt safety for yourself
Arrange the environment to suit yourself. Arranging the environment may be more difficult as a parent, but it’s possible to make micro changes. For instance, if loud environments trigger you, decide beforehand to leave the party early. Or skip it altogether if your child doesn’t insist on going. Arranging the environment means approaching your fears with gentleness and understanding, no matter how illogical they are to other people.
arranging the environment
When my husband and I travel by plane, he is stressed by the airport protocols – standing in line, checking baggage, and waiting. I’m stressed when I actually get on the plane. Once we are on the plane, he breathes a sigh of relief and stops talking. This is when I need someone to talk to me! Which one of us is right? Both. I have to take responsibility and arrange my environment to suit myself by having an audiobook prepped to listen to.
Talk about the past, i.e. tell your story. There are several options for you to consider – find a therapist or life coach. Journal your triggers. Find out what is past, and presently true, and what fear is telling you about the future. Telling our story to an empathetic listener helps us make sense of it.
“We parents often believe that our past — that is, the way we were raised — is just a book on a shelf of memories. It’s not. Triggers are where past and present intersect. We can’t assume our past isn’t affecting our present parenting.”
How To Have Peace When Your Kids Are In Chaos
the vacation trigger
We headed to the beach, the suburban packed to the hilt. The kids were excited to go on vacation. I wanted to go, but I was on the verge of a panic attack. The present environment trigged a memory.
When I was younger, my siblings and I had to travel to visit my dad. Weeks before he came to pick us up, my stomach remained in a knot. I couldn’t sleep or eat. Since he moved every year, I didn’t know where we were going and no one told me. We shouldn’t minimalize our pain in that moment. At that moment, my son-in-law spoke up, “Kathleen, the trip is about _ hours, we will go on ___ interstates, and ___ tunnels.” Tears dripped down my cheeks in relief. I felt safe because he understood my fear and met me where I was – even though I hadn’t said a word.
Find coping mechanisms that help i.e. what you need. Put the coping mechanisms into practice. Often when we don’t feel safe, we can’t cope. It’s difficult to parent well when we can’t cope. Helping ourselves find coping mechanisms will help us be more present and mindful parents.
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mindfulness
Finding out what coping mechanisms you need requires mindfulness in the moment. What’s going on? Even if you know what triggers you, knowing what will help you cope, and recover to a place of feeling safe is a whole new ballgame. It may mean some trial and error. Some of us may need some deep breathing, others a snack in our pocket, and others may need something more active.
my coping mechanisms:
- Hiking
- Kayaking
- Swimming
- Walking (when my kids were little, I walked laps around the yard while I pushed them on swings)
- Rollerblading with my kiddos
- Swinging and singing (with my kids, and now my grandkids)
- Dancing
- Biking
- Journaling
- Writing
When I walk, row, or swim, my mind processes and I sort things out. One afternoon, I received several pieces of news about a future event that I wasn’t prepared for plus I needed to make a quick decision. I walked to the lake, dragged my kayak off the rack, and paddled around the lake for an hour and a half. I told my daughter later how I’d processed and made a decision to which replied, “Mom, you’re stimming.”
Be mindful, and by trial and error figure it out. You may find, you have a few coping mechanisms, but you aren’t practicing them because they aren’t socially acceptable.
While being mindful is important, so is changing or lowering your expectation. If you want to both cope and fit into the cultural expectation at the same time, those expectations are going to have a fight and one of them is going to win. For the sake of your felt-safety, let cultural expectations go. Whose rules are we following? Plus, if you swing and sing at the park, you will be surprised at how many people will smile. When you rollerblade, hike, swim, kayak, bike- with your kiddos for your own felt safety – you have the bonus of more connection with them. If nothing else you’re giving them something to talk about over dinner.
summary
Helping ourselves feel safe requires an investment of our time, connecting to inner kiddo, gentleness, kindness, and empathy. Fear isn’t logical. It’s a bully who brings the past into the present and convinces us that it’s our future as well. Until we feel safe, our triggers will be at war with our kiddo’s triggers. We will be stuck emotionally. If we want to make peace and sense with our past, felt-safety is key.
other helpful resources:
5 Tips for Parenting Traumatized Children Despite Your Own Childhood Trauma