In this day and age, trauma is a word we hear so often, we may let it buzz right past our ears. Some of us assume trauma has nothing to do with our children, so we ignore the effects, the advice, the YouTube videos, Podcasts, and keep scrolling. All the while, our kids are dealing with the fallout of trauma and its effects every day.

what is trauma?

Before I go any further, let me define trauma.

Going through very stressful, frightening or distressing events is sometimes called trauma. When we talk about emotional or psychological trauma, we might mean: situations or events we find traumatic. how we’re affected by our experiences.
https://www.mind.org.uk/

There are three main types of trauma: Acute, Chronic, or Complex

Acute trauma results from a single incident.
Chronic trauma is repeated and prolonged such as domestic violence or abuse.
Complex trauma is exposure to varied and multiple traumatic events, often of an invasive, interpersonal nature. -earlyconnections.mo.gov

With these definitions in mind, maybe trauma isn’t exactly what you thought it was. Maybe the effects are more far-reaching than you imagined. Trauma isn’t only a car accident, house fire, mugging, etc. Although those are definitely trauma. There are other sorts of trauma, In fact, there are six risk factors that indicate trauma. I’m getting ahead of myself. Before I talk about those. Let me introduce the first reason every parent needs trauma-informed education.

Grab your reference guides

Need some science based trauma-informed reference guides? Then this is for you -How Trauma Affects Your Kiddos, Six Risk Factors for Trauma, The IDEAL Parenting Approach, and the “Instead Of”Tips – Parenting tips to use instead of traditional parenting for a more connected approach.
Grab these references for yourself and share with family, teachers, Sunday school teachers, and anyone who works with your kiddos. You’ll no longer struggle with explaining your parenting with these handy guides to help you.

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what is trauma-informed parenting?

Trauma-informed parenting is parenting with the effects of trauma in mind. When you parent with trauma in mind, you are viewing your parenting through the lens of trauma. This means you understand how trauma affects a child (the five Bs – brain, body, biology, beliefs, and behavior. More importantly, you understand when a child CAN”T regulate, or behave instead of thinking he won’t. Trauma-informed parenting means providing felt-safety (read more here), arranging the environment to suit the child, teaching the child how to navigate the world, and developing coping mechanisms. Trauma-informed parenting isn’t laser-focused on outward behavior. Instead, the main goal of parenting is connection.

three reasons to become a trauma-informed parent

Everyone has experienced some level of trauma.

Whether it is the paper-cut version of tiny trauma such as name-calling, bullying, or feeling as if a person doesn’t fit in because he views life through a different lens – such as a Capital Letter Syndrome – FASD, ADHD, ADD, GAD, etc… If you’re not sure your child has experienced trauma, if the child is old enough ask. With the recent COVID-19 pandemic, everyone has experienced trauma at some level. The layer of stress added to our daily lives is palatable. I’ve written before about how I could feel it at the grocery store. I’m an empath and I absorb the feelings of others. This is overwhelmingly debilitating when going out in public when everyone’s stress level is high. Maybe your child is an empath sponge as well. Regardless of where the trauma originates, most kiddos nowadays have experienced some level of trauma. I mentioned earlier there are six risk factors indicating trauma.

As explained in The Connected Child, there are six primary risk factors that characterize trauma:

Prenatal stress and harm
Difficult labor or birth
Early medical trauma – hospital stay, surgery, etc.
Trauma
Neglect
Abuse

*This is a skeletal list. You can learn more HERE.

Your Kiddo’s Trauma Bucket Workbook

Understanding Your Kiddo’s Trauma Bucket
Digging Deeper Into Your Kiddo’s Trauma Bucket
Resources and Worksheet

Get your copy now!

Little t traumas are trauma too. As I mentioned earlier, little t traumas are those little paper cuts that add up over time and can get infected causing results that impede your kiddo’s life on a daily basis. This can be in the form of daily name-calling, bullying, not understanding what is going on in the classroom, or being able to interpret social cues. The list is endless, really. Another huge little t trauma that we often overlook is constantly being corrected. Imagine you’re at work and your boss constantly reprimands you for not being able to spell, sit still, understand the instructions, fill out the proper forms correctly, or fill in the blank. Now imagine your kiddo returning home from school or homeschool co-op with hundreds of these sorts of paper cuts – can’t regulate, doesn’t understand the material, talks out of turn. To top off the trauma, you get a text, email, or phone call telling you your child isn’t “behaving” so you feel the need to lecture him. These little paper cuts add up and teach the child – you aren’t enough.

Capital Letter Syndromes are trauma too.

Before I delve into this point, let me say, suspecting your child has a Capital Letter Syndrome, researching, jumping through hoops to obtain a diagnosis, maybe getting an inaccurate diagnosis, and then dealing with the aftermath is a trauma for you dear parent. If you read the last sentence and it triggered you, I get it. Capital Letter Syndromes are traumatic for everyone involved, first realizing your kiddo is struggling, then feeling unsure of where to turn, then navigating a new world of therapies, learning new terms, and watching your friend’s parent with little effort seems unfair. Then there’s the layer of guilt we parents feel (especially moms). It’s trauma.

Let’s turn our attention to the kiddos. What sorts of trauma are they going through? It’s as if they were born into a world that instantly rejects them for having sensory issues, not understanding social cues, not learning in the traditional way, stimming, or needing systems in place to help them regulate. It’s as if they showed up in a country and were given the wrong road map. The natives, instead of helping them read the map and navigate, instead yell at them that they are doing everything wrong. I.E. they can’t behave. These kids live in a world of Correct Instead of Connect. Their value is measured by how well they can behave. Because they can’t regulate (behave), they are re-traumatized by a world and culture they didn’t ask to be born into.

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and learn 3 steps to a deeper, more connected relationship with your child.

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Trauma-informed parenting is Spirit-led- Jesus-following parenting.

Let me begin with my bunistry (business plus ministry) verse.

The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me because He has anointed and commissioned me to bring good news to the humble and afflicted; He has sent me to bind up [the wounds of] the brokenhearted.

To proclaim release from [confinement and condemnation] to the [physical and spiritual captives]and freedom to prisoners. – Is. 61:1

In a culture that devalues life (especially children), we need to bring the good news to our children who are afflicted by the “present darkness.” If you’re wondering what I mean by afflicted, take your kiddos to Target or any event and record the responses of people around you.

I was often at the receiving end of the responses. But you know what is worse? My children heard them as well – as if my large family was a single organism instead of 7 distinct individuals with distinct personalities.

Negative comments such as:

Did you have to bring your children?
Why do you have so many children (Which child should cease to exist to please you?)
Are these all yours?

Or the invitations rescinded because you have children who have experienced trauma and CAN’T behave. I’m sorry, we can’t have your kiddos over anymore because of _____ (name), I’m sure you understand.

This is heavy stuff. The truth is, we live in a culture that says a child should be given the power to choose his gender but ONLY if he/she can regulate (behave) and not take up too much space on the planet.

what a child truly needs

A child doesn’t need the life-altering choice (when his brain isn’t developed to make such a decision) to choose his gender, it’s to be assured of his value, and his identity. He needs the good news found in Ephesians 1: 4,5- he was chosen, actually picked out before the foundation of the world. Each of these kiddos is valuable. God knew them before they were born. He knit them together in their mother’s womb. these kiddos need the proclamation of the release of confinement of condemnation and rejection.

One more reason Trauma-informed parenting is Spirit-led- Jesus-following parenting is found in Ephesians 6:4 which says:

Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger [do not exasperate them to the point of resentment with demands that are trivial or unreasonable or humiliating or abusive; nor by showing favoritism or indifference to any of them], but bring them up [tenderly, with lovingkindness] in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

What a power-packed instructional verse. When I think of all the kiddos in foster care or kinship parenting scenarios, I’m overwhelmed because I want to help them all! So many kiddos need our help, our tender loving kindness, not judgment.

If you’re not a foster/adoptive/kinship/Capital Letter Syndrome Parent, I guarantee, you see them at church, school, Target, events, and fill-in-the-blank. This is why we all need to be trauma-informed. Our reactions to behaviors need to be rooted in compassion, and empathy, not legalism (which sounds like if I would have done that, my mama would have beat my butt).

conclusion

Our kids are dealing with the fallout of trauma and its effects every day. Regardless of where the trauma originates, most kiddos nowadays have experienced some level of trauma. Acknowledging that your child has experienced or been influenced by trauma (including second-hand) is the first step to healing.

Capital Letter Syndromes are trauma too. It’s as if they were born into a world that instantly rejects them for having sensory issues, not understanding social cues, not learning in the traditional way, stimming, or needing systems in place to help them regulate

Trauma-informed parenting is Spirit-led- Jesus-following parenting.In a culture that devalues life (especially children), we need to bring the good news to our children who are afflicted by the “present darkness.”